Percolated Recap: Numb3rs: Sneakerhead (Eppesode 514)

Brazilian Consulate: Dude! It’s like the Thomas Crown Affair just directed by second-time Numb3rs director, Emilio Estevez! There are crazy high tech security systems involving lasers, thumbprints and a wall of screens watching 23498732 cameras. There are masked men dropping from the ceiling. There is priceless art everywhere! The robbers are so intent on getting what they’ve come for that they walk right by the priceless art and but carry off the stunned security guard.

At first, I’m thinking this might be a newfangled way to collect me for the underground security guard sex rings I’m sure must run rampant in foreign places like LA, but alas, I am wrong. It’s not about the security guard or the art.
Nope, as the Fedcakes (the diet Fedcake platter of only Don and David at the moment) it’s not about diamonds or other expensive things. Unfortunately, we have to go through that moment where the Fedcakes suspect the security guard and the discovery that the neighbours must have the only security camera on the planet that is allowed to point at the window of a consulate. We also have to go right past an awesome pool table only to have artwork “talk” to Nikki. Now, of course, talk is a word which here means, be a cry for help from the poor security guard who has been locked in a vault all night. Said vault can only be accessed by a secret method – lifting what I think is one of my ninjas’ samurai swords.
Oh yes, and David’s justification for thinking that was the way to access the vault? “It worked for Batman.” David, never, ever leave. After Charlie, you bring the geek to the show.

The problem is the vault is voice activated, and Nespola, the voice in question, is in Brazil. I hate to point out the obvious here, but how about phoning a friend, people? I’m pretty sure with the way phones work nowadays, the voice would be clear enough for the lock.

IHOF: Nope, this is Numb3rs, thus things must be done strictly through the use of mathematical principles. This means Charlie digging through the piles of videos on YouTube, explaining that English has 44 phonemes, creating pass phrases like “I love Rumpelstiltskin” or “God, Honor, Country, Football” and letting me do one of my favourite, yet mean, things as a recapper – pointing out all EPIC FAIL when it comes to the props / special effects / lighting / continuity departments.

This time around, it’s with the YouTube videos. While they all have a different number of views, they all have the same number of ratings (528) and stars (4). Plus, they’re all posted by someone called Anonymous. Well, guess what people? There really is an Anonymous on YouTube and I wonder if anyone at the legal department is starting to sweat a little under his (or her) tie?
Charlie compares the search for the pass phrase like building a car out of parts in a junkyard. I think he’s a little off on his calculations for once. If there are 44 phonemes in the English language, then, according to my brilliance, and the assistance of Google calculator, there are potentially 44 = 2.71973609 × 1016 possible combinations.
Since we don’t have the time to watch all the possible combinations (although we had time to see one of the failed options being “World peace and a pony,” which would definitely qualify as a shout out, PTB!), Charlie quickly figures out that the pass phrase is “Goody goody two shoes.”

Thus the Fedcakes discover what the promos have been teasing us with all week long. This isn’t about art, or security guard sex rings (the security guard is fine, although bound with Canada’s national weapon, duct tape). No, this is about a pair of really, really fugly sneakers.
Title Flash.

Before we get into the meat of this eppesode, let me say one thing – I’m just as lost on the idea of creating an international incident over sneakers as David is. Now, like I said in my Instacap, if these were rare pair of Roger Vivier shoes, my BFF would totally create an international incident over them. She might even pull out her Kung Fu skills over them. In her words, “Sneakers are used at the gym” or to make you look like an ignorant tourist.

IHOF: I bring up my totally agreement with my BFFedcake because not only do we share the same opinions on heists for shoes, but also we don’t take too kindly to Don snarking about David’s comic book collection. Don, this is not an argument you will win.

Nikki, once again, pulls out her degree from the Compton and Watts, only to explain how kicks are a status symbol. Usually, I get annoyed at Nikki when she holds up her former career but this time, it’s actually relevant and not her trying to compensate for her lack of Fedcake experience.
Just imagine some of the greatest caper movies had been made about shoes? I don’t think anyone would pay to see Ocean’s Size 11, or The Pink Sneaker, or The Converse Job.

Liz interrupts with news that now shoeless Brazilian diplomat, Nespola, has arrived at the IHOF, with a catalogue of his prize kicks and the ability to make it clear that Athena disagrees with Artemis about the importance of shoes.
If we were to all take our financial advice from Nespola, all we’d invest in are sneakers. The pair that was stolen was worth 250 000 and were the first pair of the final edition Primers. Umm, excuse me for questioning the financial shoe genius, but if they’re the final edition of the shoe, doesn’t that mean they weren’t financially viable for production anymore? I don’t know about sneakers, but to me, that indicates no one would want to buy them, as opposed to everyone wanting to buy them.

Also, Nespola may be a newbie in the shoe game but he has the cash to back it up. He’s also pissed that a supersecret sneaker auction somehow gave away that he was the winning bid on the Primers. It was an auction run by Eve (as if you care what her character’s name is and I refuse to type something that sounds like one of the Teletubbies for this recap.)

On a side note, when Nespola gets all indignant and demands all the losers from the auction “Kiss my Converse,” I start thinking about how long it is before I lose my Converse-wearing Doctor.

Okay, now that we’ve had all the exposition we need to move on to the plot we’re actually going to care about – as opposed to find completely hilarious – the question of whether or not Liz is going to take the job in Denver. This is an iffy one for me. First of all, she’s a strong woman, snarky and way more fun for me since she stopped getting in the way of my OTP. On the other hand, being a strong woman means I should wish her well and be happy she’s moving on to bigger of better things.
2K Shoes: Personally, I think the store is names after their average price of shoes. Anyone want to tell me I’m wrong? Back to the plot, David (since Colby’s obvious off nursing whatever injury he had last week) and Nikki are accosted by some dude who works at the store. He makes two mistakes. The first is trying to tell the Fedcakes to get in line. The second is hit on Nikki by offering a discount on shoes. Why this man is still breathing, I don’t understand.
IHOF: Charlie’s running late because Amita’s in Kansas City and he had a lecture on synchronized chaos. I didn’t know it was possible to give a lecture on a oxymoron, but I’ll just have to believe what the math guru says.

What he was supposed to be doing is helping out Liz in narrowing down the number of people that can pull off this level of high security crime. Apparently, everyone and his or her uncle is capable of it, given the numerous suspects Charlie has to use one of his magical algorithms to whittle down to a manageable list.

2K Shoes: The not-Teletubby, Eve is pissed the shoes were stolen because until they are found, Nespola won’t pay up on the 250 000. This means no commission payment. In my mind, that would move Nespola up to the top of the list, but then Eve tosses out another suspect.
Bit O'Nutz's: His name, I shit you not, is Bit O’Nutz. Please, feel free to add your own joke in the comments.


All I can think is, after he insults my BFFedcake’s shoes, is the man picked what is possibly, the most appropriate DJ handle, ever.
On the other hand, he doesn’t see sneakers as a way to make money. He genuinely loves Primers and created what he calls music and I call an offence to my ears, to buy a pair. His security even recites said ear-bleeding monstrosity, followed by a sound which I can only describe as a cross between the music announcing the second coming and Mr. Smith from The Sarah Jane Adventures.

Bit O’Nutz does not fall victim to his own hype as he knows he’s more intimidating by e-mail than in person. He is also deeply in love with shoes. It’s the stupid kind of love that causes a person to say something so ridiculous, not realizing what it is they’re actually saying. In this case, it’s the NPAL™ winner of the week, “They say love is putting on a fresh pair every day.” I believe that wouldn’t be called love. I think it’s called good hygiene.

Charlie’s narrowed down the list to just 12 suspects but Liz’s mind is thousands of miles away toward the direction of Denver. In what has to be Charlie’s greatest manipulative moment, ever, I’m talking better than Megan and Alan, combined, he starts rambling on about being away from family and how urban nomads are the last great adventurers. The thing is, his tone of voice, as he references his own time at Princeton, say YOU ARE GOING TO BE ALL ALONE SO DON’T LEAVE. He even manages to get in a reminder about his youthful brilliance. Bravo, Charlie. This is certainly a step above the temper tantrums you’ve had in the past when you’ve thought things weren’t going to go your way.
Street: There’s a dead guy in the street wearing 125 000 on his feet. As to where the other 125 000 went, who knows? Perhaps we’ll find out after the break.
Or we won’t find out after the break, resulting in Nikki carrying around 125 000 worth of shoe and David expositing about the lack of any reliable witnesses. Thus, all we have is the gun, the prison tattoos on the victim signifying that he’s Eastern European, a bunch of bums (literally) and one missing shoe.

Charlie and Liz have had better luck. They’ve found Jean Stephanois, AKA Sydney from The Pretender. I’m going to call him Sidney because Stephanois is a bitch to spell and it’s confusing my spell-check.

IHOF: Artemis and Athena are interviewing Sydney. They’ve prepared well. They’ve got his past history and are teasing him by being the two hottest women who have ever interviewed him. Essentially, they’ve done everything they can to try and get him to confess except for one thing. I seem to recall, in old films, criminals would have to sweat under the harsh glare of an uncovered light bulb.
Now, if you think I’m harping far too much on the lack of lighting over the past two seasons, I would like to say that my wonderful friend, Ely, found this little goodie in the TV Guide this week.

The results of the interview are as follows: Sydney is too good of a crook to waste his time stealing “tennis shoes.” I have to say, I’m enjoying the number of characters on this show who find this whole crime preposterous. I like having a funny eppesode every once in a while. Thus, I may be going against the grain with a good many of the fandom, but I’m going to openly admit my affection for this eppesode. I think I could best say it like this: I’m a Sneakerhead-head.

Since Artemis and Athena are left with little to go on, now is the time for the congratulatory speech from Nikki to Liz. Nikki is genuinely pleased for her partner, and understands how impressive a promotion like this is in a male-dominated profession. It’s probably the most understated goodbye conversation Liz has in this eppesode, and, to be honest, I wouldn’t respect either of them if there were any teary eyes.

Cal Sci: Charlie may not have Amita but he does have Alan. Wait, I really didn’t mean it like that, I meant that, oh nevermind. I can’t save that statement.

Alan is having difficulty with Professor Elliot not letting him in to do his lab hours when he was three minutes late. Okay, Alan, I love you but you were late and it wasn’t the professor’s fault so shut up.
Just as I thought I was going to spend the entire eppesode annoyed at Alan for dissing professor for upholding their rules, an unlikely saviour comes out of nowhere, Larry. Instead of doing his lab hours with the other professor who does the most horrible thing ever of setting rules and then following them whine, whine, whine, Alan will do them in the Computation and Neurosystems Lab – as run by Charlie and Larry. All I can say is Alan’s going to wish he’d kept better track of time.

Cue more mocking of the case when Don arrives. He even makes a pun about finding the right shoe – except the left is still missing. Bah-dump! While there’s a whole bunch of dialogue here, really, what it sums up to is that Charlie can come up with something mathematically to find the left shoe and give Larry (and Alan) a chance to digress (because Larry does digress, no matter what he thinks) about a ship that lost a bunch of shoes.
Warehouse: Nikki’s off to talk to Eve about all the current live (Sydney) and dead (dude missing the shoe) suspects. Although Eve doesn’t know either of the suspects, this gives her the opportunity to explain why she took this guest shot. The character wants to create her own shoe company, in her neighbourhood, where the shoes will bring jobs, be affordable and still be hot.
Of course, we just can’t be giving Eve good publicity, the plot must be advanced. Even though she does not recognize the live or dead suspect, she does recall getting a phone call about how much people bid. Being a consummate professional, she didn’t give anything away.

IHOF: The caller (and shooter of the dead dude) is definitely a candidate for dumbest baddie this season, as he’s the nephew of Sydney. You know, there are some family businesses people should try to avoid – particularly as Lee Diddums, besides having a laughable name, isn’t very good at it.

Sure, Artemis and Athena have made some cool family connections, but David has something else, the identity of the dead dude, an Albanian baddie.

Albanian’s: Right outside, in the midst of a heated debate, are Nespola and the DJ. This is one time where the Fedcakes do not have to worry about a serious fight. Nespola isn’t going to ruin his shoes by kicking the DJ in his bit o’nutz.
In fact, the violence is a cross between a punch and a slap and is quickly broken up by Liz and David. To be honest, I’m pretty sure Charlie and Larry could’ve broken up that fight.

Nespola and Bit O’Nuts are there because the dead Albanian was going to try to sell the shoes to the highest bidder between them. Unfortunately, death got in the way. While Nespola and Bit O’Nutz are not the least bit concerned with the dead baddie, their stereo cries of “He wore them!?! That ruins the value!!!” qualifies as the funniest thing all season.
IHOF: This is a scene designed to move the plot along. The gun that killed the Albanian is Diddums. The Albanian’s phone says he hung out in Skid Row. I’d like to snark something but this is such a scene of purpose – plot only – that there’s nothing remotely funny. Hell, it’s so short they don’t even pedaconference. It’s more like a stepaconference.

Skid Row: Nikki and David find Diddums in a warehouse and a chase ensues. It should be a really cool chase, but since there were several opportunities to let Super!David fly, but no, Diddums jumps out a window and escapes. Excuse me for not finding this chase up to Numb3rs snuff.

Plus, all they do manage to find are boxes and boxes of fugly shoes. This scene is getting more disappointing by the second.

Okay, I would also like to know how Diddums managed to gain the upper hand on an entire group of Albanians. Okay, so they don’t all look like they spend a lot of time at the gym but it’s not like Diddums had a gun! He left it in the alleyway after shooting the dead dude.
IHOF: David and Nikki get to interview the one Albanian in the crew that speaks English. He quickly confesses to borrowing the originals from Diddums to make the knock-offs, and when they planned on switching the shoes, that’s what got dead dude killed. The problem is that the shoes dead dude was wearing were also fakes, and now the mystery as to where the real Primers are still remains. While I’m wrapping my head around how many stupid crimes can happen concerning one pair of shoes, I also realize what is bothering me about the one English speaking Albanian.
In another interview room, Liz and Don talk to the real brains in Sydney’s family, the man himself. All Sydney has to say about his nephew is that Diddums was wading in the drought end of the gene pool. Sydney laughs about being involved with the Primers but says something which later proves his end of the gene pool isn’t that deep either. If he’d pulled the heist, he’d be in Tahiti with some beauties. That statement will come back to haunt him later.
Later, Nikki and David are sorting through the piles of fugly shoes, with the help of Eve, but to no avail. No one can tell the difference between the real ones and the knock-offs. Cue someone who can help! What’s that I hear? What’s that I see? Could it be the music of algebraic angels and a chariot of calculus?

Sorry, Charlie must’ve left the angels and the chariots at home, because his suggestions for finding out which ones are the real Primers: by cutting them open of throwing them in water, are greeted with the same enthusiasm one might have for spontaneous diarrhea.
Cal Sci: To what I think is the hip-hop version of the hokey-pokey, Eve escorts a pair of authentic Primers to Charlie’s lab.

And in what has to be the funniest scene (unlike the funniest line from earlier) this season, Alan’s certainly earning his lab hours now! He’s being forced to drag the boxes of fakes into the lab, while Charlie and Larry laugh at his pain. Despite this, Alan isn’t getting the worst possible treatment for being a lab assistant, since all of them start in a week of “horticultural boot camp” a phrase which here means, doing the yard work at La Maison d’Eppes.
This is made only more hilarious by Artemis and Athena arriving, and Athena promptly proving she’s clearly delved into some of the fandom’s slashfic, by asking of Larry or Charlie, who puts the Coppertone on who first. I’m pretty sure someone’s written a fanfic about it. At least, if they haven’t, I’m sure someone will. Rule 34, dudes, rule 34.

This scene wins at life, and deserves serious cookies, for what happens next. Hell, I would buy it a coffee, if scene could drink coffee. While Eve is skeptical about how 2/3 of the Math Trifecta can help, Larry does not go into a Larry-vision of co-opt a Charlie-vision. Nope, he uses how a paperweight and a stress ball may look the same, but have vastly different properties, which he proves by chucking the heavy paperweight at Chuck.

Now they just have to do their fancy x-ray thing on all the shoes. This gives Eve and Nikki some time to bond over KangaROOS and how a good pair of kicks could make anyone proud.

Montage of fancy x-raying.

Since Liz is making the rounds of every major cast member in this Eppesode, it’s time for her to have a heart-to-heart with Larry. Now, I’ve been watching this show for a very, very long time and I’m pretty sure that Liz and Larry haven’t had enough contact fro a true heart-to-heart, yet, here it is.
All right, I know this is supposed to be about people being able to choose their family and all, as Larry points out, but this scene takes the wind out of me. He’s going on and on about all the things a real family does for each other and sums it up with why he’s still in Los Angeles. I think TPTB might be trying to subtly tell us something. Now, it might be too painful for anyone to read. (WARNING: The sentence you are about to read is extremely unpleasant. Due to this, you’ll have to highlight it. Thus, you can’t sue me if you’re traumatized as you could’ve avoided reading it altogether and moved on to the more pleasant parts of this recap.)

I think he’s trying to tell us he broke up with Megan.

The results of the kaleidoscope x-ray is this, none of the shoes are the real ones. There certainly have been a lot of false starts in this case. Maybe those shoes aren’t so great after all.

IHOF: The worst holder of an accent, ever, tells us of another plot hole: Diddums has the Primers because he held a gun to the Albanian’s head. Umm, Diddums didn’t get rid of his gun after he shot another guy with it. He only lost it because he had to drop it to escape getting caught. Somehow, I don’t believe that he had another one just lying around and I’m not entirely certain he’d be smart enough to get another one in the time frame of this case.

Anyway, the bad accent Albanian tells Don where to find Diddums.

Not the Math Garage: Oh you’re kidding me? Diddums went to work? WTF? The man stole 250 000 worth of shoes and shoes up to work? Either there’s another twist yet to come or Diddums is the most dedicated grease monkey in history.

Another disappointing chase ensues with yet another lost opportunity for Super!David. My BFFedcakes pulls Diddums off a ladder instead of climbing halfway up after him, only to fly back down, gracefully landing, smushing (technical term) Diddums.

While I expect to be infinitely disappointed with this arrest, the humour cherubs come out of nowhere and give me a present – a criminal dumb enough to write the number he doesn’t want the Fedcakes to find on his own hand.

The number belongs to Bit O’Nutz, and I guess Diddums realizes that Bit O’Nutz is better than the nothings he has.

Bit O’Nutz: Don and Nikki arrest Bit O’Nutz just so he can learn the real meaning of his name in prison. The problem is that even though the DJ had the Primers, he was robbed. What has this eppesode become? It’s so convoluted it needs to be renamed after a Dan Brown novel.
IHOF: Artemis and Athena are having one of those moments that prove a partnership like this shouldn’t be split up. Together, they realize that someone was really stupid to mention how much he would like to be in Tahiti.
In the conference room, Larry references back to the shipwreck and sneakers analogy – which makes sense when Charlie says what one knows about the elements and the shoes, will give the most likely place for shoes to turn up in the ocean, or in the sneakerhead community.

That analogy is much clearer to me than the Charlie-vision comparing the Primers to a pinball. Personally, I think they included this Charlie-vision just to show how adorkable the professor is when trying to move out of the way of a special effect pinball.
The solution to the problem is really quite simple. It’s not even math; it’s logic. The person who would be able to buy and hide the sneakers would be the original owner.

Consulate: As the Fedcakes arrive, Sydney walks out, realizing he shouldn’t be so quick to share his Tahiti dream. Inside, Nespola reminds Nikki and Don about the concept of diplomatic immunity. Don and Nikki respond by reminding him that the shoes are evidence, have no immunity and could easily be mistreated in evidence lock-up.

The thought of some evidence clerk wearing the Primers is too much for Nespola. He promises to turn them over, immediately, as well as release the funds on the auction payment; I think he’d sell his firstborn son in order to keep the Primers safe.

Nespola’s hid the shoes in the linen closet, only to find them missing, once again. Suddenly, the sound of a basketball can be heard. Nikki, Don and Nespola head outside to make the most chilling discovery of all out on the wet basketball court: Nespola’s son, assuming the shoes were for him, wearing them and getting them wet while shooting hoops. Considering what would’ve happened to me if I’d taken my birthday presents when I was little, I’m a little annoyed that this kid gets off scott-free.
Warehouse: Nikki’s come to personally deliver the commission check to Eve. In the great tradition of shoe-making, Eve’s already taking advantage of all the available child labour in a poor neighbourhood. Although, I don’t think Bono will be going after her for it.

Nikki has only one request of Eve: make her a pair of sneakers with zippers on the side. Considering this should be a moment of supreme cheese, I’m surprised at myself as I’m grinning like an idiot. My show did it to me again. Last season, I thought I was going to hate the eppesode with Three 6 Mafia in it. This time around, I thought Eve was going to irritate me. Take note, other shows, as Numb3rs has this stunt casting thing down to a fine art.
La Maison d’Eppes: David and Don are toasting Liz’s exit to Denver when Charlie arrives with what would probably be to shoes as the Edsel is to cars. He’s created air geeks, a pair of kicks with Charlie’s algorithms all over it.

Alan is about to serve dinner while his eldest serves cracks about the time in the lab. Before the situation escalates into threats of no food, the bell rings. Now, if you can’t predict who is on the other side, you’ve been lucky enough to be missed by the anvils dropping on my head throughout this eppesode.
Liz’s whole reason for staying is that where the hell in Denver is anyone going to get ass-kicking boots that’ll last for 7 years that the Fedcakes are like old, beloved boots. You don’t just toss them. Yes, Liz just compared her ex, David, Colby, Charlie, Nikki, Amita and Larry, to old leather.
Plus, she was kind enough not to split up Artemis and Athena, since I went through all that deliberation in naming them. She’s considerate like that.