Please note, if you disagree with my love of my OTP, I will crush your head the same way the Kids in the Hall used to. (You, on the other hand, can feel however you want, just don't knock me for my OTP love!)
Courtroom / Crown Prince Hotel: We begin with a sting operation that goes horribly wrong. This is intermixed with shots of the trial that resulted from the sting that went horribly wrong. Considering Robin is the AUSA on the case and it was investigated by a bunch of Fedcakes, we have nothing to worry about, right? I mean, this is the dream team of the justice system.
Unfortunately, the Fedcakes and Robin come up against the most dastardly criminal they've ever met. He's managed to stay undead while the slayer was after him. He's managed to get one over, not once, but twice, on Team Torchwood. How could our Fedcakes possibly defeat him where both Buffy, and the Whoniverse failed? Yes, it's is Damian Lake, I mean Spike, I mean Captain John, I mean, Captain Spike.
Okay, so maybe it isn't entirely due to Captain Spike's proclivities as one of Sci-fi's classic bad boys.
At the Crown Prince Hotel, let me point out all the mistakes my Fedcakes made. Now, let me make it clear that this does not diminish my love for my Fedcakes, it just means that I think they call took a Colby season 2 pill for this operation. A Colby season 2 pill is a little like Torchwood's Retcon, but instead of making you forget chunks of time, it makes you forget that you have the ability to think effectively.
Mistake number, 1: The Fedcakes looking so damn obvious! Nikki, David and Don might as well be wearing signs saying "I'm a Federal Agent."
Mistake number 2: Colby's alias. You can't call yourself Jack Higgins when meeting with an elicit arms dealer. WTF? Was Inspector Clouseau a little too obvious for him?
Mistake number 4: When Captain Spike asks for Jack Higgins' credentials, Colby plays him off with a bunch of cliches, never actually giving an answer.
Mistake number 5: Letting the girlfriend, Erica Daniels, be present for the exchange. I'm sure Captain Spike has sold some illegal weapons without having his girlfriend present. While Erica may be doing this for altruistic reasons -- saving the boys in Afghanistan from being shot with weapons sold by her boyfriend, if Captain Spike can't read the obvious signs from the Fedcakes, she's practically a flashing neon billboard announcing that this is a set up.
The results of all these errors mean not only was Captain Spike's henchman able to get away with the missile guidance chips, but also the baddie was able to maneuver his girlfriend into an elevator and promptly shoot her, claiming that the gun "went off" during a struggle. Okay, so the story is a bit longer than that but I think you've got the idea as to how laden with bullshit it is, so I refuse to record every detail.
The only good thing is that Captain Spike's lawyer is incompetent. He implies the Fedcakes didn't see the gun, yet Captain Spike shot it in the air. He tries to claim that Captain Spike was only an innocent businessman (even though he ran guns for years, for foreign governments) who just happens to bring a weapon to a meeting, only to have his girlfriend shoot herself with it.
In fact, the only person who doesn't share any of the blame in the debacle of Captain Spike's case is Robin. She's clear, concise, and lays out a case that should be an easy win, despite the mess ups of the sting operation.
Cal Sci: Because we need some symbolism mixed in with our drama, we switch to Charlie teaching a class about how things that look like one cohesive unit, in this case, a bowl of water. Charlie starts talking about how math can "transcend any box, or bowl."
The symbolic math thing (technical term) in this case is how math can allow people to find things that aren't readily visible to the human eye. In the bowl are hydrophilic spheres. They are invisible when they're in water, but once taken out of the water, are obvious. Math teaches us to look beneath the surface. There, did everyone feel that? That was what the dead trout of symbolism feels like when it whacks you on the back of the head.
Courtroom: Robin, the Fedcakes, and myself, are shocked when the jury reaches a verdict of not guilty. I'm guessing that due to the lack of lighting in the courtroom, the jury must not have seen the evidence. As Captain Spike is being his usual smug self, I realize tonight's mystery is about how the hell he pulled this off without the help of a slayer or the ability to travel through time.
Math Garage: There are a whole bunch of blue balls (not like that!) floating around Charlie's computer screen, all with numbers on them, prompting Alan to joke about Charlie predicting the winning lottery numbers. Well, if Charlie could do that, say, for this humble recapper, I would promise to give up my constant whining about getting a shout out, world peace and a pony.
Charlie is actually working on a spatial dynamic jury model that predicts a jury's behaviour.
"Was it developed by 12 angry mathematicians?" Alan quips. All right, hands down that is going to be the most hee worthy thing Alan says all season. I don't care that I still have about a third of the season left to go. Throwing in a reference to one of the greatest stories ever told on film, TV, or on the stage, while making said reference snarky, is made of total awesome.
So after Charlie is done figuring out why the jury behaved like their brains had leaked out their left ears, Alan wants his son's help. He want's Charlie to help him develop his Facebook profile. OMG, Alan Eppes is going on Facebook? HE MUST FRIEND ME! HE CAN FIND ME HERE! I may not ever get my shout out, but at least I'd be able to claim Alan Eppes is my FB friend.
Oh, and Charlie, do not mock Alan joining Facebook. While he's there, he can find out all about the internet's love for his sons. Heck, he could even check out the Numb3rs app! Therefore, Alan, if your son persists in mocking Facebook, I, Spy, am more than willing to give you a tutorial, provided you accept my friend request. We can still be friends since the only interest we share is the concern for the environment. I'm not really that keen on arts and crafts design, koi fish or one dish recipes featuring ground turkey and Gruyère cheese.
On the other hand, I wouldn't insult your cooking like your youngest son, since I would know better than to bite the hand that's fed me for the past five seasons.
IHOF: The title of this eppesode is now being featured amongst the Fedcakes as the do a postmortem on what went wrong. Really, the didn't need to do that. They could just read this recap as I think I identified the problems quite succinctly.
Don doesn't want to look back, he wants to move forward and get Captain Spike of the streets. The problem is the faux-British faux-time agent and faux (fill in your own fauxness here) was trained by MI-6 to run a business that appears squeaky clean.
Erica's brother makes the Fedcakes' and Robin's guilt trip even worse. He has a right to and I wouldn't make fun of a soldier devastated over losing family, so I want to move on to something I can snark at. All I can think is that we were given "Sneakerhead" to give us a bit of a reprieve prior to this maudlin eppesode.
Robin is giving her significant other a run for his money when it comes to beating herself up over the guilt. Oh Robin, I know you're upset, so I forgive you for not paying attention to what I said earlier.
What's interesting is that Don is reasonably supportive here. He doesn't pull the traditional TV boyfriend routine where all he says are empty words of comfort. He's honest. They both lost the case, and if she had screwed up, he would tell her. It makes his absolution of her in this case far more believable. Plus, it's only fair that since Robin has a history of not tolerating Don's bullshit, he gets to tell her when she's messed up. Oh, my OTP, (SQUEE!) I love you and all your messiness.
But never fear, Don and Robin, because Math Guy is here! He will solve all your problems. All his solutions will add up! He'll divide your workload in half! Yes, it's Math Guy swooping in and announcing all of this guilt is for naught. According the probabilities, like how one can predict the flip of a coin, the jury did not reach the predicted verdict.
While the jury was sequestered and guarded, there was one thing that wasn't, the QJS - a program that helps select jurors. Now they just have to find out who would be able to mess with the software.
Courthouse: If ever there was a nomination for most hilarious random person on this show, the clerk at the courthouse would be a shoe-in. First, she snarks how the biggest problem with the software is that it picks people who hate jury duty. Hee. As for actual problems with the software, she has the Jury Find technician on speed-dial. The last technician was out six weeks earlier, installing a software patch, a phrase which here means tampering with the trial. He can also cuss in Vulcan. Although, aren't Vulcans supposed to be so logical that they wouldn't need to cuss?
She's also able to provide another break in the case as she has the number of the tow-truck company that took the technician's car on speed-dial. I'm willing to bet it's one number down from the technician's.
Jury Consultant's: Nikki's been sent to interview the other significant guy at the defense table who was neither the defendant nor the lawyer. Mitch Langford - who is played by one of those guys who has guest-starred in everything - likes to show off how good he is at reading people by talking about how easy it is to select jurors based on their attitudes, or how Nikki plans to enter the political area a few years down the line.
Nikki takes offense to Langford's predictions, commenting that it's easy to stay hidden when you're making people look at themselves. I would've snarked him for being a smug bastard who thinks he can read everything about everyone.
Captain Spike's: Don, I know we've had this conversation before. Do you not remember I warned you not to mouth off to the bad guys unless you have some evidence to back it up? Seriously, do not make me snark you until you remember. Plus, I really don't want to snark you at the moment since I read the OMGWTF spoiler from Ausiello this week.
So the two men might as well bring out the rulers, because Captain Spike can't do anything to Don other than insult him, and Don can't do anything to Captain Spike without evidence. Oh, the tedious nature of men posturing.
Cal Sci: Alan's found an old friend on Facebook, yet he still hasn't friended me. Charlie's amused that all sorts of studies have resulted in "friending and Scrabulous." Okay, now Charlie has to get on Facebook and friend me just so I can teach him that Scrabulous is no longer an application available to him. It's now called Lexulous. Geez, Charlie, you sound ridiculous insulting something of which you don't even know the name.
Well, the point of this scene wasn't to talk about the various applications Charlie doesn't know the name of. Nor was this scene about Alan reconnecting with his old friends, nor Charlie's discovery the jury was probably tampered with. Nope, it's about how Charlie want to try preventing crime instead of solving aftermath. He'd rather do the pre-math which would result in either fewer crimes or a weird Tom Cruise movie.
On a side note, Charlie's desire to fix a problem this large is a little reminiscent of the first time we met Robin. Although, last time his desire was to solve the gang problem, now he's expanded the problem to include all crime.
IHOF: David's found Robert Logan, a technician who doesn't exist, according to Jury Find, thus Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are on the case!
Logan's: Sorry, let me rephrase that last statement. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are on the corpse, since Robert Logan's been shot in the head.
The highlight of this scene is not the predictable corpse. Nope, it's David's line as he sees the door to Logan's apartment ajar, " Just once, I wish it was a surprise party behind one of the ominously open doors." It's hee -worthy and perfectly delivered.
Thus, the lame-ass follow up Colby gives us is this eppesode's NPAL™, "Well David, it looks like there was a surprise. It just wasn't for us." Come on! I expect better Rosencrantz and Guildenstern banter than that, Colby. I'm not talking the hilarity of "Ooo, math fight" here, but something better than that dud of a come back!
IHOF: After reporting that Logan was a hacker for hire (which I'm sure will soon have its own category in the want ads) to Don, David wants to ask Colby something a little more personal, that he doesn't want the boss to hear.
Since Megan's departure (excuse me I need a moment).
Okay, let me try this again; since Megan's departure, forever, leaving me utterly forlorn (what? I said I needed a moment! I didn't say I would get over it!) the Primary Relief Supervisor's position is open. This means that if Don can't be there, or answer the phone,
Colby is, as long as David remembers that Colby has the best score on the shooting range, in case David ever asks him to fetch coffee.
Nikki's got something else to report to the boss, that Captain Spike's number 2 is now doing shit all. (Pun intended.)
Hey, it's our favourite techie, Matt Li! He's so good at his job, he crack's Logan's password in about 10 seconds flat. Considering Logan is a nerd, his password is a little surprising.
As expected, Logan had all the names and addresses of the jury pool. Considering what Langford said earlier about the questionnaires not revealing all, Charlie's a little too confident for my tastes for being able to profile the jurors properly.
La Maison d'Eppes: Robin was supposed to meet Don at the family home, but Don's running a little late. Do you know what that means? Alan gets some time to bond with his future daughter-in-law!
After Robin takes her coffee with "a red wine chaser" we get what is probably a fanfic writer's dream of a character tidbit. Alan confesses that whenever he wanted to get something out of one of his boys, he would bribe them with ice cream. Most importantly, the ice cream bribe still works! Did you hear me ladies, the Brothers Eppes are susceptible to bribes of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's stock will soon hit new heights.
In all seriousness, Alan's just an ear for Robin, who can't stop feeling guilty. It's a trait she shares with Don. Hopefully it's not genetic.
Jury Consultant's: Langford is still an ass, teasing Nikki about her future plans but Nikki doesn't care. She's there only to tell Langford he needs to be more careful about people, say people like Logan, calling him at his office, making Langford look guilty for tampering with the jury. Oh yeah, and Captain Spike's long and dubious history proves he isn't adverse to killing people.
Outside the Courthouse: I would like to lay a complaint that considering this is an eppesode that features my OTP, I'm a little pissed that scenes like this one are so brief! Plus, this scene is all about advancing the plot because the judge has released the names of the jurors but the mistrial they want is still far off. Robin, like Don's known for the past four years, has discovered she can't take in Charlie's equations as evidence.
Cal Sci: Charlie's equations show that the jury, as presupposed by the Jury Find software, was ready to convict. I think it's all just a set up to allow the Charlie-vision of cowboys herding cattle, as charlie explains how one lead steer can control a group, just like one juror can control a jury. Okay, you know what would've been a better Charlie-vision for that? Having the Numb3rs cast reenact the famous knife on the table scene from 12 Angry Men. How cool would that have been? More importantly, which character would you pick as the influential juror #8? I'm definitely going with David as my pick on this one.
Robin points out a flaw in the data. There's nothing wrong with Charlie's math, but it doesn't take into account that one juror, who lost her husband in a car accident, was excused and replaced with the alternate. Hmm, I wonder if there's something suspicious here.
Excused Juror's: Called it! The guy who always drove safely dying in a car accident? Nefarious schemes must be at work! Sorry, I can't add much else here, other than how wonderfully sensitive David is in the matter, because a widowed woman with two young children, will never be a victim of snark. Although, I could point out that the juror did ask if David had any children, making me think about how amazing a dad my BFFedcake would be. I'm talking Alan-level of stellar here.
Cal Sci: Alan's concerned about Don and Robin's trip. A tropical island he could understand, but this extended eppesode title isn't doing either of them any good. Plus, his younger boy obsessing about stopping all crime has got to be a source of worry. Humanity on the whole has been unable to solve that problem, so I think this one might be beyond Charlie Eppes.
IHOF: The report on the car accident that killed the juror's husband comes back, and it's foul play. Oh yes, and the alternate juror, one Justin Cerf, who a fake SSN, and now Don can finally head back to Captain Spike's with a warrant.
Captain Spike's: Except Don sends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern who do not find Captain Spike. Instead of hanging around waiting to be handcuffed by a hot Fedcake, which I'm sure many of us would volunteer to do, Captain Spike's headed off to Costa Rica.
IHOF: With Captain Spike in the wind (or somewhere in time, depending on how much of a crossover I want to imply) Don hopes picking up the henchman might help, since the mistrial was granted and they now need to get Captain Spike back in the country. An alert's been put out, but right now, Captain Spike chameleon circuit is working just fine.
As for the fake juror, he's got everything he needs to live his fake juror life, including a driver's license, and all the right answers to make him an ideal juror. Obviously, Langford coached him. To make things even worse, he was so ideal that Robin would've been the one to pick him. That's another 20 pounds to add to her over-sized baggage on this guilt trip.
Despite all this development in the plot, let us move on to what is really interesting in this scene - Don's total meh-ness to David's application to be the Primary Relief Supervisor. Now, I say meh-ness while a lot of other people find it an outright dis.
Warning: We are now entering Spy Speculation Land.
Considering everything that happened in "Arrow of Time" regarding these two, I think this is actually a really controlled reaction from Don. His initial reaction, from the past four years, should be an outright "No way in hell." We know that, initially, he didn't trust David. We know that while he bleives his team to be the best, he believes, as leader, the only one he can trust is himself. Sure, he's trying to work through them, but we know as of last year, when he secretly tricked Robin into wearing a homing device (which is the one thing I still haven't resolved in my head in regards to my OTP, even though it did result in her life being saved and me turning into a applauding fool) he's not fully over them. He's trying, but he hasn't quite succeeded yet. Add on to what happened to his last second in command, and I can see how Don would be controlling his reaction here to say no. He knows it's good for David, but there has to be a little bit of worry, in the back of his head, that David might be looking to move on eventually. Don Eppes has finally developed a stable life and a family he feels will always be there for him, even if they are some old boots. That's a big step (pun not intended). I can see he wouldn't want things to change any time soon.
Unfortunately for David, he's not had the voyeur's eye view into the psyche of Don Eppes that I've had, so he's taken aback by his leader's response.
Park: Wow, from international arms dealing henchman to a guy who does shady low level stolen electronic deals in the park? This henchman has moved down in the world. That is, if there is somewhere lower than dealing arms. Since he's been dumped by Captain Spike, he can't tell the Fedcakes anything more than they already know, so Nikki and Colby prove there is someplace lower he can go - lockup.
Now, I have a question for those who know LA far better than I do (which would be just about anyone, since the last time I was in California, I was 5 and only remember Disneyland). Is this the same park we saw in "Primacy?"
Cal Sci: Charlie's trying to recruit David into his "solving crimes before they happen" theory. Honestly, I don't know where TPTB are going with this plot line because of the number of TV shows that would have to go off the air if there weren't any crimes to solve, including, for instance, this one. Sorry, Charlie, I think my shout out, world peace and a pony request is far more likely to be granted than whatever you're trying to work out.
Luckily, we move on quickly to David's own doubts. He doesn't doubt applying for the position, but he does doubt Don's trust in him. Charlie tries to reassure David that Don values him, but David's not sure Charlie can read Don's mind. I, on the other hand, again due to my
Using a classic, Eppes maneuver, David distracts Charlie from talking about Don.
Charlie's convinced it was a consistent minority that eventually won over the jury, instead of the entire jury truly believing Captain Spike was not guilty. While I understand this, to make sure we get the guaranteed analogy, David is confused and will not drink the "math kool-aid" unless he gets a better explanation.
It's like Facebook. Websites like that need people who can convince other people (the people who can convince others are called mavens) to join the site. Marketing is targeted to these people and people like Langford could pick out the mavens on the jury. While that's great and all, I've come to the realization I'm not a maven as my plea to Alan to become one of my Facebook friends, hasn't happened yet, even though it's been up for a week.
Charlie's calculations have come up with Linda Parker, single mother, as well as Roy Detchemendy, financial dude, wjo would be able to combine their powers and influence the jury, with the help of faux-juror Cerf. Of course, these three would also be known as the juror's focused on slightly more than the other 9 at the beginning.
IHOF: Both jurors were forced to convince the rest of the jury. Detchemendy was promised a way out of his potential financial ruin, whereas Parker's children were threatened. Neither of them realized Cerf was the ring leader. They thought he was just a kid with a crush on the deli-delivery girl.
Deli: Okay, we get not one but two hilarious minor characters in this eppesode. First, there was the court clerk and now there's the delivery girl who doesn't go for chicken salad. She prefers roast beef.
After being perfectly clear with Colby that she'd love to eat his beef, (I'm sorry, I so had to go there) she gives them Cerf's number. Honestly, this woman is awesome. When faced with that level of hotness, in real life I'd forget I'm a witty, snarky person and probably just openly drool.
Outside, Colby's found out the number actually belongs to Greg Silver. This discovery isn't the best part of the scene, it's that Colby has to ask his partner if he's "roast beef."
"I won't discuss another man's meat," David replies. Colby deserved that. If he can't tell when a woman is hitting on him that openly, he deserves that dig from his partner.
Silver's: For yet another week, I am denied the opportunity to see Super!David (or Super!Colby) fly. Seriously, am I losing my two favourite superheroes? As Silver tries to escape Rosencrantz and Guildenstern by first fleeing down the fire escape and then crawling out onto a window ledge, not once does either Fedcake consider using their superpowers and leaping onto the suspect. Nope, instead he just gets pulled in a window by Colby as David ties to distract Silver by talking him down off the ledge. I am not amused by the lack of leaping / flying / jumping this season.
Initially, I wasn't disappointed because David's patter while trying to talk the suspect down - like pointing out how high up they are and how good a listener is, amused me. Upon rewatching this eppesode
IHOF: Greg Silver has to be the worst con man in history because it seems like he's been caught for every scam he tried. This time around, it isn't just arrest he's afraid of, but getting killed by Captain Spike. This is one con he really wasn't prepared for - well, the number of convictions he has shows he isn't prepared to shoplift from a drugstore, nevermind try a con, but you get my point.
Shady Dock: It's a shady dock both literally and figuratively, as Silver was obviously ready to sing like a canary to avoid being put out on the street where he'd live for maybe an hour is Captain Spike's people were slow. What Silver's agreed to do is set up Langford, who doesn't smell the sting operation a mile away. Not very observant there, Mr. Observer.
IHOF: It's Robin's turn to take a crack at Langford. I was hoping she'd pull out the scary persona we saw in "Arrow of Time" and I wasn't disappointed. She doesn't have to play Langford's game because she has enough evidence to bury him forever, even if he picked every single member of his jury. Even though he thinks Captain Spike can't be traced because of all the encrypted data, Robin, and the audience, know otherwise.
Later, between Matt Li and Charlie, the location of Captain Spike is only delayed by the amount of time it takes for the pair of them to explain how they are going to find the fugitive. Captain Spike is currently hiding in sunny Aruba.
Aruba: Captain Spike certainly isn't able to use his wrist-assist to get out of this debacle. As Don's there to make sure everything's done properly (and flashing back to the murder of Erica Daniels) I'm grateful there aren't any speedos for me to screencap. I wouldn't care who was wearing them.
IHOF: Once the case is all wrapped up, Colby and David take the chance to tease Nikki about her future in politics. She one ups their teasing by telling them her future plans do not involve looking at their "two mugs." She nicely shuts down the conversation with a bit of humour without actually confirming or denying their suspicions; congratulations Nikki Bettancourt, you are cut out for politics!
Colby heads out because he's figured out how to extend the roast beef metaphor when it comes to the delivery girl. (What? What's wrong with this sentence?)
After receiving implicit approval from Nikki about his plans for the future, David finds something on his desk he didn't expect, a glowing reference letter from Don. I'm glad Don finally wrote it, otherwise I was going to have to write one for my BFFedcake.
Elsewhere in the IHOF, Don waits as Robin reassures Erica's brother. My OTP make some small talk - about the flight from Aruba and Erica's brother. I'm highly amused by two things. The first is how Michelle Nolden slips and does a classic Canadian intonation to one of her lines. The second is a little more obvious to the non-Canadians out there.
Robin's feeling a little lost after everything that's happened, and Don tries to comfort her with some lines from scripture. I'm not entirely sure it works, but both Robin and I credit him for trying. In response, Robin admits that she nearly dropped out of law school when she heard Nietzsche's theory that the justice system would always suffer from inequality. Both Don and I are happy Robin stayed to help even the fight. I mean, if this fictional character had dropped out of her fictional law school class all those years ago, I wouldn't have my OTP and the amount of meta-logic there hurt my brain.
Math Garage: Charlie does get all maudlin and introspective when two thirds of the math triad are away for an eppesode, doesn't he? There he is, staring at his calculations, trying to figure out how to prevent crime from happening. He can't find the satisfaction he should find in putting away Captain Spike. Alan tries to point out that his younger son has expectations that are even more unobtainable than anything I could come up with when it comes to my demands from TPTB.
Thus, the eppesode ends with Charlie working on this unsolvable problem while Alan and I are thinking the same thing.
You know what, Alan, it would be so much easier for the pair of us to commiserate about this, if you friended me on Facebook.
Recapper's Note: On Sunday, Travellingone and I, along with a bunch of the writers at Midseason Replacements, are going to be live blogging the Oscars. Travellingone will probably be all pop culture savvy and discuss the outfits and entertainment rumours. I, on the other hand, was convinced to take part because it gives me an opportunity to drool all over and make inappropriate comments about the Oscar host. Not that I need a reason to