Instacap: Torchwood: The Dead Line (Radio Play)

Uhhh -- I thought Jack couldn't die. Well, he couldn't die for a long, long time, at least.

Poor Ianto, he sounds so worried. He needs a hug and I'm totally offering.

Jack's on a ventilator in a hospital room and non-responsive. None of this is the least bit funny.

Were the only people who didn't know Jack couldn't die his coworkers in the first season?

Whoever Stella is, she's our only hope.

Bob Roberts? Isn't that like naming someone Andy Andrews, Jimmy James or Rich Richards?

Phone calls are incapacitating people? Help, all the teenagers on the planet will be affected! How will fast food joints stay in business. Oh wait, they're talking about classic phones, so all is fine.

Jack, there is always, always time for coffee.

What is a happy clappy? It sounds sort of dirty.

Don't give up on Bob, it sounds like a weird advert campaign slogan.

Jack, you did get trendy, in 1942.

How many of you didn't picture Jack during the disco era? Isn't that something we'd want to see?

RHYS!!!!!!!!!!!

Gwen, why are you calling Rhys on the phone to tell him not to answer the phone? I'm glad Rhys also realizes that this is strange.

"It was the 70's, the movies were so bad, making out was guaranteed." Hee!

And now my head is filled with images of Jack and Ianto role-playing the 70s. I wonder what Ianto would look like with a Mexican mustache and sideburns.
Okay, so Stella Courtney is an important doctor with a penchant for role playing. I know people have layers, and sometimes, Torchwood reveals the ones that we usually don't talk about.

Hello, the 70s called, and they want to stop being the butt of everyone's decade jokes.

Ianto, seriously, free hugs here.

On the other hand, if ever there was a man who would is best suited to be sitting at his lover's bedside, it's Ianto Jones.

There's more Janto in this radio play in 15 minutes than there was in the other three all put together.

That's it. It's time to bring back carrier pigeons.

Rhys, you are so wonderful. If Travellingone didn't already claim you as her fictional Welsh boyfriend, I'd claim you.

Oh, now it's into the mobile phones, now people who think they're so important that they have to be connected 24 hours a day, will discover the true meaning of "reach out and touch somone."

How did Stella avoid getting retconned?

Rhys and Gwen investigating? The comic potential is infinite.

Considering the motif of Role-play, I think Rhys would be for the idea of Gwen dressing up as Lara Croft.

And the comedic potential disappears after the decomposing corpse is found.

The Cardiff and West Building Society is trying to destroy everyone?

Ianto is breaking my heart. The lack of Janto in the other three radio plays is more than made up for by the speech Ianto gives while Jack's in the trance.

Squee. The Jantoness just made my year.

And just in case anyone thought Ianto didn't get the whole picture of his conmplicated relationship with Jack, his speech just cleared that up.

Ianto, if you're foreshadowing your impending death in "Children of Earth," I will not be speaking to you. Are we clear?

Rhys just referenced zombies. Check that off my list of things I wanted to hear in Torchwood.

Why didn't Torchwood Cardiff pick up on this earlier? They had 34 years!

Ianto might have some competition for the best bedside boyfriend ever, with Tyler. He's had 34 years of helping to care for a girl he didn't even get the chance to ask out.

September 24, 1976 is when this all started? See, the 70s wasn't good for anyone.

I'm sorry, but if Jack was ringing the phone with his brain, the phone message would be "hey, whatever you want to do, trust me, I've got experience."

They're going to destroy the phone virus with the MRI? That's the second time in the Whoniverse that I know of where the MRI has come in handy.

Somebody nearly knocked over Gwen and Rhys! They better not have taken out the TTSUV!

Ianto's been in this predicament before. They whole "my lover or the world" thing is going to get old hat if it happens again.

Stella is sort of awesome.

Thank you Stella, for saving us from the tales of the 70s.

"You never will be just a blip in time, Ianto Jones, not for me." I think I just melted into a puddle of fangirly goo.

Instacap: Torchwood: Golden Age (Radio Play)

Okay, who wasn't hoping Jack and Ianto were playing naked hide and go seek at the beginning?

All right, one major advantage of radio plays is the ability to claim to be anywhere in the world.

Gwen and Ianto, maybe no one is following your instruction because they don't speak English.

The factory vanished? Did anyone ask the Judoon?

There's a Torchwood India?

Yes, Jack, the Duchess did miss you. She was aiming for your head but hit the wall by accident.

I love how Gwen and Ianto are so blase about someone shooting at Jack.

"Would I lie to you, again?" I think the answer would be yes.

Why is the Duchess a) young and b) bitchy towards Gwen? Seriously, if I'm finding her bitchy towards Gwen, the Duchess must be really obnoxious.

Hee! Obligatory Whoniverse banana reference!

Gissing may be happy to see Ianto properly dressed, but I want to see him properly undressed. Oh wait, I said that out loud, didn't I?

Duchess, back away from Jack. He's Ianto's.

Oh look, jingoistic ideals are alive and well.

I mean it, Duchess, back off.

So Jack, what does Ianto assist you with? Please explain, in detail, for those of us without active imaginations.

Onions in bomb proof metal containers? Yeah, how stupid does Torchwood India think Torchwood Cardiff is?

Duchess, 80+ years is a little long to be holding a grudge. I know no one has aged in all those years, but perhaps a bit of perspective might've been possible.

Jack's going to feel "a lot less special?" Is that possible for a man with an ego larger than the British Empire at its height?

Duchess, the 21st not the 20th Century is when everything changed. Haven't you listened to the opening?

Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal, Torchwood India. Of course you have alien tech. You're also really, really racist and sort of crazy.

It's been February 29th, 1924 for the last 80+ years?

Finally, from the lack of snark yesterday, the Gwen and Ianto exchange makes it better.

Jack knows how to use a time store and uses it to keep a bacon sandwich fresh? That's what he does with it?

Soylent Green Time Store is people!

"If I wanted to be knocked out and murdered, I would've stayed at home." Hee. I love you, my fictional Welsh boyfriend.

Duchess, I believe the term best to describe you is fucking nutzoid.

The shadows better spit out my Ianto!

If there's one thing the Whoniverse taught me, it's that time isn't quite the straight line Jack makes it out to be.

The saving of the world depends entirely on a man remembering birthdays? Insert your own joke here.

How is the Duchess dying the least bit noble? She's dead because she hated progress. I'll try to work up some sympathy. I'll let you know when I feel sad about it.

It might be a while.

Now, Torchwood, head back to Cardiff.

Instacap: Torchwood: Asylum (Radio Play)

Woot! Anything Torchwood vastly improves Canada Day.

Okay, why is the child, carrying the weird gun, semi-narrating?

PC Andy? Oh, PC Andy, I love you.

The suggestion of knife throwing at Gwen just made half the fandom smile.

All right, Freda, while everything is over-loud and over-bright, I'd like to point out that you're overacting.

Ghosties? Sounds like a rejected cereal name.

Jack and Ianto in the TTSUV and a remote control gun? There's a dirty joke in here somewhere.

Ianto, shouldn't you know by now that Jack gets far too easily distracted by guns?

Hello pussycat? I guess a Tom Jones reference is appropriate for a show set in Wales.

51 Lundy Street? I can find a Lundy Close and Lundy Island, but no Lundy Street. Either Google Maps is wrong, or TPTB are saving anyone from being bothers by Whovian fans taking picture of the address.

PC Andy, where did your snark go? You've never been a "pet bobby" before.

"She's from the future!" No shit, PC Andy Sherlock. Glad you caught up.

Jack and Ianto are spending a lot of time together, and yet there's a distinct lack of sexual harassment. I am disappointed.

2069? There's another dirty joke waiting to be made there.

Where Freda's from the people are "overstressed, angry, gotta take it out on someone." Wait, she's from where I work?

PC Andy, do you not remember "Adrift?" You're in a remarkably similar situation -- until Freda escapes out the window.

Out of all episodes to reference, Gwen, you had to pick "Out of Time?"

Yes, Andy, this is smash your patience day. In Canada, we call that Canada Day, after the drunken carousing begins.

Holy crap, PC Andy isn't exactly behaving like PC Andy. I don't know what disappoints me more, the lack of Janto, or this neutered version of PC Andy.

WTF did Jack do?

Finally, PC Andy stands up for himself. That's the snarky, practical PC Andy I know.

Oh Freda's talking about how she doesn't belong anywhere. Great, just turn on a Simple Plan song and put on some eyeliner, emo child. I guess PC Andy is a better choice to talk her down than I would be.

Torchwood saved Freda? I'm glad that was made clear, otherwise I would've thought it was the Doctor.

Jack's responsible? Does not compute.

Jack, you've already opened your doors to the universe and spread the love. It's not like you wouldn't be doing what you haven't already done in the past.

So Torchwood gets an asylum policy, unless your name is Janet.