Percolated Recap: Numb3rs: Shadow Markets (Eppesode 607)

Important recapper's note: Have you sent your letter to CBS in support of Numb3rs? If not a letter, have you sent a postcard? Have you come up with something more creative, that you plan to send to CBS? (Personally -- sending cupcakes for Fedcakes is the sweetest plan thus far, pun intended -- and far more likely to gain the favour of anyone taking delivery.) Did you go on IMDb and look, or even add to, the Numb3rs page, to have it's star meter rating go up? (According to inside sources, CBS actually pays attention to that.) Finally, have you signed the petition?

If you have any more ideas, please feel free to offer them up!
Hey, it's an opening montage set to the Talking Heads, "Burning Down the House!" Geez, it's been so long since I've heard the Talking Heads on this show. Is it bad that I still miss the original opening credits? I mean, remember the days of Terry and how she just vanished back East, which tends to be a trend of the Fedcake females?

Oh the nostalgia.

Sorry, what is the opening montage about? Nikki and David (because Colby's got this eppesode off, fly fishing, or something) are trying to put a sting into action at a computer conference. I have to be impressed with David's salesmanship. If it weren't for the fact a name like ghostcredit.com should've been an obvious giveaway that it was part of a sting operation, (I would've named it something like zucchinigrowers.org, just to be random) and that David isn't a skeezebag, I would've believed him.

Spoofing the Mastercard ads, David tries to convince various nefarious types to buy stolen credit card numbers. That gives me an idea.
Liz, Don, and Charlie are in the van, observing and waiting for some guy called "The Fist." Charlie deservedly mocks the handle. Anyway, the "The Wussy Punch" is supposedly meeting David during a talk given by Amita. Despite the dumb ass handle, he's responsible for the theft of just about everyone's credit -- yours too.

The other part is about some dude dancing around without a shirt on, while doing, what I assume, is something illegal on the computer. (Not like that! Trust me, once we meet the character -- you'll understand.)
OMG, at one points, he undoes the drawstring on his pants. I avert my eyes in fear.

After the montage is over, it's time for Liz to head inside and for Amita's talk on 3D printing. Apparently, the Fist wants a 3D printer, and after I understand what it does, as demonstrated by Amita printing out a knife from Primacy. Oh, "Primacy," you'll always be remembered as the eppesode that made me rediscover my love for Amita. Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked, as I'd like to point out another use for 3D printers.
Apparently, 3D printing can be used for evil deeds too. Not that my suggestion for what to print earlier, isn't crossing a line. As is selling Kali t-shirts, and drooling all over Amita and her avatar, a little creepy.

There's a problem with the sting, as Alan's also at the conference, with his boss, who is also a woman of exceptional taste because if a person has the last name of Eppes -- she hits on it. She even makes a joke about what a penetration test is. I think, that is, possible, the dirtiest thing ever said on this show.
Probably because Alan's a little distracted by his hot boss, he misses what Charlie is trying to tell him -- that the Fedcakes are about to make an arrest.

Don spots The Fist, but before any arrest can be made, dancing queen from earlier, aka, Augie, exposes the Fedcakes' plan. Wait a minute, they can make an arrest!
Augie actually tries to hit on Nikki, and I'm actually sad she didn't knee him somewhere, by mistake; now that would've been priceless.

The lights flicker. Shots are fired. I have a momentary freak out about Alan.
A car squeals away, and a valet it dead. Talk about completely screwing the Fedcakes' plan there, Augie. Speaking of screwing -- actually, I'll leave out the prison jokes for now.

Title Flash -- never as wonderful as the original credits.

The Fedcakes are rightfully frustrated because, not only were they screwed by Augie, but also The Fist's violent reason means they're behind the 8 ball when it comes to what's really going on.
There's a message on ghostcredit.com saying "U R Pwned" and Charlie has to explain the concept of L33tspeak to the Fedcakes. Come on! The Fedcakes are intelligent people! It's not like one of them hasn't used L33t in a text, or seen it in it's most perverted form, a bloody cat macro!
Don and Charlie have a brief talk about the hot and assertive cougar prowling around their lives.

As the Fedcakes go to beat Augie with a rubber hose -- okay, they wouldn't but I can wish, they actually want to know about what the hell his plan was for exposing the operation. All Augie wanted to do is take over a bunch of card-scamming operations, and prove that he could hack into the FBI. (He didn't intend all of his equipment to cause a power drain, yet, couldn't see that coming.) Well, that's not all of his brilliant plan. The rest will come later.
Upstairs in Augie's room, I'm surprised the hacker doesn't make a comment about Nikki being the first hot woman to ever enter his room. Instead, he wants to continue doing, whatever the hell he was doing to control all the credit card markets.

This brings us to another part of his plan: get himself caught so that he'll be safe from the really, really bad guys. So that part of the plan is slightly smart, but he destroys his safety by asking Nikki if she wants to see his "loft."

Once again, despite all the space they have on the computer screens, I've yet to have my shout out. Come on people! What else to I have to do for my shout out, world peace and pony?

IHOF: David (with the help of Liz) give us all the exposition we need on Augie's crimes. He took over the Fedcake, an Eastern European, a Filipino, and Israeli (who The Fist works for), credit cartels. Well, Augie may have the common sense of a dead squirrel on the road, but at least he doesn't discriminate.

As for what Augie did to actually take over the sites, a Charlie-vision is needed for that. HE compares the DNS on the Internet to the US postal service -- and how easy it is to get mail rerouted.
The problem is, that the cartels he stole from are going to be able to hack Augie back, asap, now that he's under arrest. Thus, we, and the Fedcakes, are stuck with Augie until the end of the eppesode. I don't care what Charlie says about how Augie's only interested in hacking, or how impressive he is as a hacker. It doesn't make him any less annoying.

So the rest of the stupidity of Augie's plan comes to light: he wants to work for the government. He doesn't care if it's DARPA, or the NSA, or any government agency with initials (although it would be bad to put him near the IRS), as long as he's hired. Yes, committing crimes is an excellent way to get hired. It's not like similar cases of criminals being hired are so rare that they make movies out of it. Oh wait, yes it is.

Augie tries to convince Nikki that she needs him (both professionally and personally) and calls her "baby." I have to admire Nikki's restraint. On the other hand, maybe she's thinking something far more devious.
Augie, despite his earlier concerns about his safety, and the dead valet, laughs off any gangs coming to get him. *headdesk* This guy has about the same retention span as my dogs. I wonder if I can get rid of him the same way I distract them? I should try.
In an attempt to get Augie to realize the severity of his crimes, Nikki introduces him to Victim 0. Someone stole her husband's social security number and bank records, sold their house, and killed her husband due to stress. That last one, hacking won't help. Yeah, Augie has about the same foresight as my dogs too, except my dogs are way, way cuter.

La Maison d'Eppes: Alan's opening some wine, and Don's come over to give Amita a lift to the IHOF. On the way in, Don stops for a moment to ponder the mail, which I choose to mean that if mail is heavily featured in this eppesode, that must be what we'll do to show support for our show. There's also some heavy support for mail in this scene.
Don's came himself because he likes driving, which Alan spins into a midlife crisis. I can see how we had to get to that point, as we all saw a midlife crisis coming a mile away. BTW, Alan's midlife-crisis-mobile would have been a 'Vette, if Margaret hadn't talked him out of it.

Off of Don's midlife crisis and onto Alan's slightly-older than midlife crisis. He's the oldest consultant at the software firm, and he wants to impress his boss. Uh, Alan, you were hired to help things become more user-friendly, not to impress the boss by how much you know about computers!

Oh well, whatever opportunity the writers had to take to introduce Kath the Cougar to Don, just so she could hit on Don, is fine with me. It also gives us one of the funnier NPAL^TM winners in a while: "I'm staring down 45 and it's starting to freak me out. So how do you stay fit, circuit training and carrot juice, or just lots of sex?"

I'd say the latter.
IHOF: Augie says the first thing that doesn't make me hate him. Even though he's still arguing that he hasn't really done anything too wrong, he does take down kiddie-porn sites. I'll give him that one.

The fire alarm goes off and I start yelling, "hack!" at my TV, but, yet again, the characters don't listen to me as, Nikki handcuffs Augie to escort him out of the building.

David's sure Augie had something to do with the alarm, as smoke was reported on the Fedcakes' floor. Well, David,you might be jumping the gun there. Considering the collective hotness of the Fedcakes, I'm surprised it hasn't gone off earlier!

As the fire isn't real, Augie doesn't realize that someone might use this distraction, to say, kill him like me. A man pretending to be a medic, pulls a gun, and, if David wasn't so awesome as to be super-quick, would have killed either Augie (which I'm all right with) or my BFFedcake (which I am totally not cool with).

The propulsion from the kill shot, sends the would-be assassin over the bridge, to go splat on the ground. Odd, usually, we get to see Super!Colby or Super!David jump from high places.
After the commercial break, David takes charge of things, which he is perfectly capable of doing without going to Washington. He orders a 2 block perimeter, everybody to stay put and not touch the corpse, choppers and the cops, and for one guy to get the security tapes.
I, on the other hand, would not be as cool as David, and would, as much as it pains me, be behaving much more like Augie: a phrase which here means, going completely bat-shit. It finally dawns on him, the alarm was meant to get him outside so someone he's never met before, can try to kill him.

David and Nikki both recognize the killer's fighting style: Krav Maga. Geez, I wonder who would've been really, really useful in this situation? While that makes me notaligic, it makes David realize the Israelis are out to kill Augie, thus the only safe place for him would be with the marshals. Really? Hasn't witness protection failed before?

Augie tries to express his gratitude for not being dead, by hitting on Nikki -- Nikki passes the credit onto David. Now, if only David had been present for that exchange, we would've had a gold standard for comic relief. Now imagine it if Colby was present as well. You're welcome.

Cal Sci/Fedcakemobile: Amita, because she's so smart, is doing something that allows her to get into Augie's network. Don't ask me to explain any further. Anyway, she gets Don to call Nikki, to get the password, which is jockstrap, in L33tspeak.

He then promptly spells it out, but I know that's for the audience, more than Amita because she speaks L33t. Lucky for Augie, he's telling the truth.
Augie explains his use of the term because he's got the other cartels by the balls. I have another theory.
Thus, Augie keeps hitting on Nikki, by suggesting a hotel instead of jail, and man, her restraint since last season is getting somewhere near a saint's. I would've killed him by now, and I'm anti-violence.
As if to prove my theory, augie confesses to no doing well in testosterone-rich environments and that really, he's a pussy. Okay, so that's my phrasing.

So, Nikki's insistent on Augie going to the marshals, yet Augie doesn't take the hint.

IHOF: David's not only managed to identify the killer -- a disgraced Moussad agent, but also The Fist: Tal Feigenbaum. I would list all the bad things he's done, but I want to make two things clear: 1) he sells weapon, that's enough 2) I'm calling him LLB -- short for Liev Schreiber's Little Brother.

LLB is after a 3D printer, and probably not for the same reason I'd want one.

The problem is that Augie doesn't know LLB from a hole in the wall -- probably the same hole where a bullet would've missed him. Thus, he must have something on LLB, but doesn't know it yet.

Oh yes, let me give some credit to Liz, who is in on this whole pow-wow, and, even in the dark, looks stunning.
Lock-Up: Nikki pays no attention to Augie's final please to stay out of jail. She doesn't completely hate him, since she uses the name William Gates as his cover as opposed to something like, say, Mr. Jacques Strap -- which would've been more appropriate.
I am a little surprised the Marshals have shared cells in protective custody. You'd think protective would mean -- alone. Plus, why put his picture on a computer system. Shouldn't some orders from someone should've said pictures and computers are a no-no.

Cal Sci: Charmita's had no luck in tracking down LLB, yet all the other cartels are trying to hack Augie's aptly names Ooze website (named after what he crawled out of).
After nothing but disappointments, Charlie realizes that perhaps, even though LLB was hacked, there's a back door, in which to enter Augie's site. Okay, I know I'm talking about computers, but I can't help but think that last sentence sounds a bit dirty.

Since Amita's got a lot of work to do, I'm sure now is the time for Charlie to discuss Kath the Cougar. We're only half way through the eppesode and it's been firly established that she's hit on all members of the family Eppes. Where's a cougar going to hunt next?

Lock-Up: Augie's stuck with not one, but two angry cellmates. Sure, they're criminals, but I'd be angry too if I had to share a cell with Augie while listening to his small talk. You know what's creeping me out even more?
In order to not have his tongue ripped out (although I'm all for it) Augie tells his cellmates he can hack bank accounts, but he needs a certain type of old cell phone.

IHOF: Charmita's found all the evidence ever needed to convict LLB, but now they need Augie.

Lock-Up: Who has managed to get his cell phone, hack the marshals and write his own release orders. Considering how easy it was to get contraband in protective custody, I'm pretty sure this isn't the worst idea Augie's ever had.

IHOF; Charlie admires Augie's resourcefulness, but now Don's stuck tracking a weapon's dealer and a douchebag of a hacker.

If ever this was a dog chasing a cat chasing a mouse scenario, this is it, and, Augie resembles a rodent. Nikki arrives with news that Victim 0 just had 100 grand transferred into her account, which is clearly the work of Augie. She also EPICALLY FAILS when Don asks if she has a soft spot for the hacker.
Don passes off the only lead the Fedcakes have for Augie -- an Aunt Rose. If Augie goes anywhere near there, that would, officially, be his dumbest move.

And to think, the NSA wants this guy.

When Nikki leaves, the camera turns so that we can see what Don was really searching for on his computer: a red sports car.

Fedcakemobile: On the way to Aunt Rose's David doesn't let Nikki get away with claiming she doesn't like the guy. Because it is David, and he would be the Fedcake I'd confide in, she admits that Augie makes her laugh. Nikki and I must have completely different senses of humour.

IHOF: In one of the things I love about Numb3rs, is that sometimes the practical has to overtake the complicated cerebral. As Charmita's slaving away trying to find how LLB wants to get at Augie over the internet, Don thinks that LLB might be trying to find the IRL person, through other methods.

I would just like everyone to nice my restraint when it came to listing the other aspects of this show that I love. Not only would it be a long list, I'd have to put a serious, serious rating on this recap. I'm saving those sorts of dirty thoughts for next week's eppesode. No, I'm not spoiling. I will on the other hand, *flail, flail, flail* madly. If you happen to be online on Friday and see a random flailing, that would be me.

So it's in-between high-tech and IRL: as the method of finding one another is IRC. This gives us a chance to have one of the rare Amita-visions, as she compars IRC to drug smuggling in the middle of the ocean.
Hey! When I used IRC, it was more about discussing the merits of teen idols. No, I'm not saying who because the humliation might kill me -- and totally date me.

So Amita sets up an alert if TheFist and Oozemeister enter IRC, Amita will be there to translate L33t. Charlie finds her ability to speak L33t very hot, causing Don to walk out of the room in disgust. Who wants to see his younger sibling get all lovey-dovey with his significant other?

Aunt Rose's: Augie doesn't fail to live down to my expectations. He had been at his aunt's, only to take her money and her laptop, because Aunt Rose is foolish enough to give them to him. She says it's out of love, I wonder if foolishness is a genetic fault.
IHOF: the IRC alert works perfectly, and both TheFist and Oozemeister say they have a surprise for one another. I hope it's not anything that might give me nightmares.

All Augie does is taunt LLB, and Amita translates that Augie's rewriting all his code, which means he has to be in range of the hotel. If the Fedcakes, with only one computer expert can figure this out, why does no one think LLB, a computer expert, can't figure this out?
Well, LLB doesn't have to find Augie, since LLB's surprise was a photo of Aunt Rose with a gun to her head.

Aunt Rose's: Augie arrives first, and promises everything for the release of Aunt Rose, but it's too late for her. At least Augie has the presence of mind to hide by hanging out the window, instead of under the bed, or some other dumb place.

It gives Augie enough time to make a run for it. Obviously, LLB hired his goon from the Stormtrooper school of marksmanship, since he can't hit one man running, alone, on a beach.

LLB takes a shot at David, and I'm starting to wonder if David might ever make it to Washington at the rate this show is trying to kill him. On the other hand, since David will never, ever go to Washington and leave the Fedcakes, I'm going to assume that was just for dramatic effect, and not forshadowing.

We skip back and forth betwen David being shot at by LLB and Nikki being shot at by the stormtrooper out of uniform.
Nikki gets the stormtrooper before he gets her, which is how you're fated to die, if you're a stormtrooper. Now it's just up to David to talk LLB down.

The take down is not dramatic. The take down is freaking hilarious. LLB, instead of jumping out the window Augie was hanging from, instead tries another window.

When he doesn't make it out the window the first time, he keeps hitting it. I was laughing so hard, I hurt.
Down on the beach, Nikki's saved Augie, in his mind, a second time (although this is actually her first time) so he's got to be irrevocably in love with her now. The problem is, that's not what his face is telling me.
The reality of what Augie's done virtually, finally hits him. His online activites caused all this mayhem. Geez, took him long enough to get a clue.

Augie cries, and for all the actor's selling of this scene, I have such a hate-on for all the things he's done, I can't feel the same way Nikki does -- sympathetic. I'm assuming it's only sympathy she's feeling as any more might cause me to vomit.

IHOF: We're in the parking lot where Don wants to show Alan his version of a 'Vette. More importantly, Don does something for me, and clarifies that Robin isn't around not because they've broken up (which cannot happen, as we all remember the last time), but rather, she's working on a trial in Portland.
Alan spots a red sports car, but Don had to go with something far more likely to make me worry about him the way I worry about David.
As Don drives off, he hands his car keys to Alan. Sure Don's got a motercycle, but at least he hasn't lost all sense, and has a practical vehicle for say, car chases, or, perhaps, taking an AUSA on a date.

I'll have to settle for that, for now. It's something Don and I may need to work on.

"That's what I love," Alan says, sarcastically, "a good mid-life crisis." I hear you Alan.

La Maison d'Eppes: Can I just say that I'm so happy this eppesode ends with a family moment? I was so afraid I'd have to see what Nikki and Augie do after the beach. That would require me to remove my brain, through my ear, to prevent me from reliving something like that in my nightmares.

Augie's still going to work for the NSA and Charlie still thinks he's a good guy. Blech. I do have to appreciate the discussion Charmita has about how fantasy and reality can intermix. That's probably why I think I can work on the whole motorcycle thing with Don, or why I get angry when I yell something at the TV and the canracters don't pay attention.

All right, let's move off my issues and on to something more fun, like Kath the cougar. She sent Amita a package, and now Amita is going to have to explain it.
Not that she tells Charlie that before exiting to the kitchen, leaving the Eppes men to discuss who Kath was hitting on the most.
What was actually in the box was a 3D print of Amita's avatar, Kali, along with a note offering her "lunch, dinner, a weekend in Sonoma." That proves it! My theory that Kath will hit on all members of the Eppes is now fact.
Thus, we end with the Eppes sitting down to dinner, and Amita, giving a nice little tidbit for fanfic writers that she loves wine tasting.

That's all fine and dandy, and as much as I enjoyed this eppesode, this one's problem is that it falls before an eppesode I'm dying to see.

What's that I hear in the distance? Is it the chariot of enigmatic coolness?

Cue flailing.
*FLAILS!*