Recapper Mea Culpa: Yes, the most recent eppesodes are being posted late. We have a fairly large event going on up here, and the build-up, reading up on the athletes, and other such activities, have sucked up all my spare time, in the last few weeks. I'm mentioning this because I'm insanely patriotic (I know, it's not a Canadian trait, but I don't care) and like the idea of the world getting together for two weeks and not shoot at each other (Biathlon accidents accepted). Also, I screamed louder than I would under most circumstances, to see a childhood friend of mine perform in the opening ceremonies.
Now back to the regularly scheduled recap.
Hotel: We get a semi-montage, of a john picking up his date for the night, in a really, really expensive looking hotel lobby. I think they try and make the john "Mr. Friendly" (not like that, well, sort of like that, actually, exactly like that) to make sure we feel terrible when he's slaughtered by a maniac.
La Maison d'Eppes: I am officially worried about the koi. Lazlo -- remember weird, clone-obsessed, former assistant manager of the BuyMore, Lazlo? Yeah, well, he's feeding the koi paprika. Would you like to know why? Apparently, paprika makes the male fish more attractive. This leaves me with one very important question.
Lazlo is visiting to watch "football, survival of the witless," but really, I just think he wants to hang out with people cooler than he is.
Speaking of people cooler than Lazlo, Don arrives, on his
And if there's one thing Lazlo shouldn't do (besides feeding paprika to koi) is touch Don's bike.
Lazlo is a member of a motorcycle club (see earlier comment about hanging out with people cooler than him) and completely fanboys (in the verb sense) Don, his bike, and practically begs him to come hang out with him. Aw, after Charlie had his budding bromance, Don now has someone boycrushing on him. There's even a comment about what other scenarios exist where one can wear leather chaps in public. Oh, Lazlo, there are plenty, if you're a fanfic reader.
Somehow, Lazlo manages to clean Don's air filter (again, not like that) and suggest some quality time together without getting
As soon as Don arrives, he has to leave again because of the dead john. When Charlie explains the situation to Lazlo, is it just me, or does Lazlo look just a titch concerned?
Yes, I find Charlie wearing a magical math test-taking t-shirt both ironic and hilarious.
Hotel: The dead john, Edward Zurlanski is dressed in red lingerie. Apparently, that's now the appropriate attire for dead johns. Poor Edward's death just follows the pattern of all the other dead johns, except the corpse was found quicker. This means the Fedcakes (Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Artemas -- not Athena this week) can track the missing rental car. I guess the killer likes to take Ferris Bueller-style joyrides in cars he can't afford.
Luckily, since they found the corpse on Sunday, they can, hopefully, find the killer before the work week starts.
In a weird twist of fate, we have the second guest actor/actress to have appeared in Numb3rs, that I have seen on stage. The guest actress, Kim Huffman, is not only Canadian, but also played Cosette the first time I saw Les Miserables. (The other guest actor I've seen on stage is Blake Bashoff, from the eppesode "Scorched." I saw him in Spring Awakening, last year. Oh the trivia I keep stored in my head where useful things could otherwise go.)
Anyway, she's playing the sister of the victim, and after giving us the view of a dutiful son and uncle, she then defends her brother's decision to pay for sex. I'm all for sibling loyalty and all, but who the hell tells their sibling they pay for sex?
David, who is in charge of the scene, gets a call from Nikki saying the car's been spotted in some place far from anywhere.
Far from Anywhere: Thanks to the magic of television, the only law enforcement vehicle that could possibly give chase is the Fedcakemobile. Apparently, there aren't any cops far from anywhere.
So after a car chase around various treacherous roads, the most, in an attempt not to hit the pickup truck, which clearly doesn't understand the rules of a siren means PULL THE HELL OVER, JACKASS, Colby has to drive into another requirement of prime-time television.
The car is on fire (another requirement of prime-time TV, and the director really likes special effects/ explosions / gunfire /whomping Fedcakes, considering his previous work on this show) and only Colby is conscious. He manages to pull Nikki out of the car only seconds before the inevitable.
Hospital: Being a female Fedcake automatically comes with almost Wolverine powers of healing. Nikki's conscious, bitchy, and antsy to get out of the hospital, despite almost being blown up. The same condition was previously identified in Megan, who managed to survive having an artery cut, only to leave the hospital the next day.
Because Alan is the de facto father-figure to everyone on this show, he's brought flowers and the advice to stay the heck in bed for a while. The problem is, Nikki's stubborn and thinks that if Colby can be back at work (even though he wasn't knocked unconscious) she can be too.
IHOF: David is interviewing the Siouxsie Dark (somehow, I can be fairly sure that's not her real name) but she insists she didn't see anything. She also provides a great euphemism.
Usually, she works for an escort agency called Lux, but since Eddie was an old client, she was willing to
So all that they (they being Colby, David, and Charlie) have learned is that the killer can't have been tracking people through the agency, or the specific girls, so that leaves tracking down victims in bars. So when Siouxsie is asked if someone was looking at her, she gets all "hell yes, everybody stares at me," instead of taking this seriously.
It takes David reminding her that what she does will be seriously hampered
So now all the Fedcakes have to go on is a nondescript guy, in cheap brown shoes, who kills people who probably won't admit to what it is they do for fun. I think that might actually be a practical example of less than nothing.
Charlie's wondering what a profiler would say about the killer, and I actually responded with, "I don't know, call Megan," when I first saw this eppesode. I know, sometimes, I talk to the television like they can hear me, despite all the years of evidence to the contrary.
So Colby's somehow borrowed a portion of Megan's brain (do not think about that too much, trust me) and comes up with a man who hates men, and wants to emasculate them. At the same time, the killer becomes his victim for a while (perhaps due to daddy issues), which, when you take this all into account = one batshit crazy dude. Yes, that's a technical term.
Essentially, the Fedcakes have nothing. Charlie can't even see a pattern other than 6 dead guys, in 5 hotels, and 5 stolen cars. That's not much of anything to go on. Hopefully, the video can be remastered properly -- which is plausible not due to some sort of technical genius on Matt Li's part, no, it's due to the fact "Charlie Don't Surf."
Don has spent most of the scene looking through files on the table. I promise, I didn't have anything to do with that.
Okay, don's actually there to check in with Colby -- to make sure the junior Fedcake isn't having issues after the crash. I'm a little surprised that Alan hasn't passed the book Nikki rejected on. All Colby has to say on the subject is that he and Nikki are pigheaded idiots for not taking a day to recoup. All right, perhaps he doesn't say it like that, but, come on, after that type of crash, a few days off should be required.
It's not as if they saw anything useful to the case, plus, the car was ditched and found by authorities shortly thereafter. Thus, they're left with two things, the ladies' lingerie each of the victims was dressed in, and a social worker, Jack Steves, who tries to provide medical aid for sex workers.
BTW, if ever there was evidence of Colby being affected by the accident it's the fact that he rejects looking into women's underwear, and would rather talk to the social worker.
Street Wise Street Booth: Hey, it's another Canadian! I love how many Canadians are on this show
Immediately, I feel for Jack (not like that). Colby is such an ass with him -- flashing his badge, scaring off people who, otherwise, are invisible, that I find myself hoping that Jack isn't the killer. I hate it when people who start off with a goal to do good, go bad.
Unfortunately, Jack doesn't have an airtight alibi. Instead, he has a schedule he tries to follow, but can't, if the action is elsewhere. Also, we learn an important detail -- he was once in the life, and is trying to help others still stuck there. OMG, if this man was real, I'd donate to his charity.
IHOF: If Nikki didn't already have a head injury, I would've asked someone to whack the girl over the head and send her home. Seriously, just looking at her hurts.
At least David tries to talk her into going home, but she's all insistent that if Colby can
She insists that the doctor cleared her, but I think the conversation went a little like this.
Doctor: I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable releasing you, as of yet.
Nikki: You would be a lot more uncomfortable if I used my good arm to reach down your throat and pull out your intestines.
Doctor: *gulps in terror* I'll sign anything you want. How about the deed to my house?
Colby gets stuck babysitting Nikki, because what we really want are the two people most likely traumatized to work together. It's rare for me to disagree with David, but this time, I'm going to have to.
Okay, so the exchange they have also justifies the unwise decision.
Nikki: You ask me how I'm doing, and I'll shoot you.
Colby: How you doing?
Cal Sci: In Charlie's new swanky office, Amita is doing all the work, while Charlie lays on the couch, examining the inside of his eyelids, feeling hopeless.
There's a pattern, but Charlie just can't see it. He needs something else. Apparently, that something else is Lazlo. Now, I cant be certain, but I'm going to start a rumour here. Within seconds of Lazlo arriving, Amita clears out, claiming the IHOF is a better place to work.
As for Lazlo, he's got a full out man-crush on Don, asking Charlie for Don's phone number the same way a teenaged boy would ask a girl's bff for a number. Aw, budding bromance is cute.
Charlie's a bit iffy, because, yes, there are moments, and people, that make Charlie is look socially -- Lazlo being one of them. I also think that Charlie's dreading any retaliation from Don (a phrase which here means: wedgies) if he does hand over the phone number, particularly when the justification includes the phrase "crotch rocket." So Lazlo hands over his number, and, we can predict, will spend the next few nights staring at his phone.
Turning back from the awkward conversation (but not NPAL™ worthy), and onto the case, Charlie compares the math he's using to find the killer with the same math used to hunt sharks.
The problem is, the math pretty much comes up with the answer of Los Angeles. I'm sure when it comes to the Pacific Ocean, that's a small area, but for the Fedcakes, not so much.
Coroner's: The not-Claudia coroner, gives some old information (strangled, electrical burn on the palms) and new information (it's a
IHOF: In what has to be the shortest red herring in television history, as Nikki and Colby head back upstairs to the Fedcake offices, they figure out that this woman has to be working with a partner, and the motive is some sort of perverted justice (for her). I'm so not touching the phrase "perverted justice" considering the subject matter of this eppesode.
Upstairs, Charmita is working, but not on the same problem. Charlie's trying to work out a way to get Don and Lazlo to go out on a boy date, without being killed (Charlie, although Lazlo might not come out unscathed). The solution is to volunteer Lazlo's services for DNA testing in this case.
Charlie even gets bold enough to bring up the word "bromance."
When the idea is treated with agreement, and even curiosity about the motorcycle club from Don, Charlie is really relieved.
Back to the case, and the recorded over film-footage, Charlie compares the task to filling in a crossword puzzles, sans clues, and hoping it's all in English.
The film footage reveals both perps -- the male and female, but the female isn't camera-shy (but is Clea DuVall). The automatic assumption is that she's an ex-call girl out for revenge.
So the only option now is for David to send Colby out to interview escort agencies. I'm surprised Guildenstern didn't get down on his knees and thank Rosencrantz, although, considering the lingerie rejection earlier, perhaps undiagnosed head injuries from the car accident are still affecting Colby.
Luxe Escort Agency: Apparently, being a madam means you get a really swanky office, wear see-through clothing to work, not give a crap about your employees when they drop off the radar (or slapped around), and be less than helpful to Fedcakes. Seriously? How does this get by labour boards / laws/ basic human consideration?
Cal Sci/Bromance Plot: Lazlo's all formal with "hail fellow, well met," upon greeting Don. While I attribute this phrase to Swift, Lazlo attributes it to Shakespeare and I want a ruling on that one.
Conveniently, Don is carrying his helmet, to make sure the topic of motorcycles will come up. Come on, Don, like Lazlo needs such cues. Sure there's a bit a discussion about bikers without helmets being called donors, but Lazlo's factoid definitely wins the NPAL™ of the week, "56 percent of bikers have sex with a stranger within three months of getting their wheels."
Other than the obvious:
I am never, ever, explaining what went on in my head after he said that line. There was actual shuddering on my behalf, and, to be honest, while I'm more than happy to spread the pain to others, in most situations, I think it would cruel and unusual to do so in this case.
*Shudders* Okay, moving on (and we shall never bring that up again).
Don agrees to think about joining the club. Not touching that one either.
Victim's Apartment: A world-weary landlady has realized what that smell is coming from a tenant's, Chaz March's, apartment, and leads Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to another corpse.
This time around, Chaz is a bartender, killed in his own home, and his car is still in its space. Things are changing, which is about right as we're more than half-way through this eppesode.
IHOF: Colby briefs Don and Nikki about the latest killer, and I resist making a pun on the word briefs
Anyway, Chaz the bartender tried to tax the sex workers by asking for freebies -- adding fuel to the motive that it's ex-call girl revenge, or call boy revenge, so Colby brings up the clearly innocent Canadian as a a viable suspect.
While Colby's rejected women's lingerie (wow, that is so weird to type that), Nikki's done her research, and found that someone bought the conveniently discontinued underwear (because help us if it's underwear anyone could still buy) for 12 sets, 7 months ago. Colby does some quick mental math and realizes there are still 6 more sets that are ready to wear.
Now the Fedcakes need to figure out what happened 7 months ago to trigger this mess.
Cal Sci: Charlie's feeling guilty about the newest victim because his place of employment was on the list of potential hot spots. It's too bad Charlie's psychic powers didn't click in to the realization the killers were switching from johns to people who insult sex workers. Geez, Charlie, I would feel sorry for you, but that's a huge freaking ego to think you had any control over this.
This, of course, is why Charlie is marrying Amita, who is much more sympathetic, than me. Although, to be fair that whole fictional/not-fictional thing might be a slightly bigger obstacle
Lazlo does have something; the killer is a carrier of hemophilia. She'll also have hazel eyes, dark hair, and a pale complexion, between 5'6-5'9. This leads me to a terrifying thought.
I MUST BE THE KILLER!
Amita's got the idea to do a fuzzy search, and for once, I'm in agreement with Lazlo, that does sound cuddly.
Using the genetics they know, they find only one appropriate (and female) match within the FBI database, a Jenny Bailey, a prostitute murdered at a hotel.
IHOF: The Fedcakes are dressing for a take-down, as David does what he does best, gives us exposition on this eppesode's title character, Melanie Bailey. She lived with her now deceased sister who had the extremely, extremely rare condition of female hemophilia (which, according to my googling skills, is 1:100 000 000) and bled out after being beaten (also wearing the same set of red underwear). I know this is supposed to be a huge deal, but considering the very exact specifics, (hotel, underwear, sex worker) how was this not caught before?
David makes a very wise suggestion, that perhaps Nikki isn't up for potentially physically dealing with a suspect, but Nikki's pigheadedness says otherwise.
Bailey Apartment: They don't find the woman in question, but they do find two requirements of every prime-time serial killer.
So now that they have the shrine, and the victims' wallets, the Fedcakes are now off to the San Gabriel Hotel, where Melanie's car has been spotted.
San Gabriel Hotel: This time, it's David's turn to be sent in, which is good, considering he's got to talk her into leaving the bar without making a scene. This turns out to be a lot easier than I expected. So, while this is a very short scene, and a very underused opportunity to make use of a great guest star, I'm distracted by one particular extra.
Once in the lobby, Melanie denies any and all knowledge of a partner, the same way a cat would deny eating the bird, even with the obvious feathers scattered about. No one believes her, and she doesn't care.
Don, Nikki and Colby are left searching the hotel for potential victims, while David interrogates Melanie, sorry, Mel.
So, while the rest of the Fedcakes bang on doors, to no avail, Melanie, or Mel, admits that someone getting dead at this very moment.
After the commercial break, the Fedcakes are trying to figure out the victim's identity.
On the video footage, they spot Jack Steves, trying to help out the sex workers.
I don't believe anything the Fedcakes say get Mel to talk -- not the implications of the partner in control, or reminders that California is a death penalty state. Nope, I think she only talks once she thinks enough time has passed to make sure the deed is done. Her partner is a man she met in foster care, a man who just likes to hurt people, and somehow, it makes sense that using him was the best way to avenge her dead sister? It was all her plan. WTF?
I'm a little appalled at the hypocrisy. No, never mind the violence, but the hypocrisy of killing a former sex worker, for trying to warn the others about the killers -- which is the justification Mel gives for Jack being targeted.
I admit, I do feel sorry for her sister, because the guy who killed her stole her purse, with the medication that could've saved her life.
Jack's: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern rush to save Jack (with David driving), while the interview goes on. We also find out what the burn on the hand's from -- a taser to the door handle. I cringe with even the idea of how much that hurts. Jack may be knocked back, but he's not down for the count. Considering his previous profession, he's probably well-versed on self-defense.
Just seconds before things are going to get fatal for Jack, the Fedcakes burst in. My favourite part of the whole scene though, David's reaction when Rusty takes another swing at Jack.
Sometimes, even my BFFedcake knows words are not enough.
As for Rusty, he's screaming about being the "guardians," and how offended he is that Jack tried to help out the working girls. Yeah, because health care wouldn't be the least bit useful, except, of course, it would.
IHOF: Noticing the whole refusing to drive thing, Rosencrantz checks in to make sure Guildenstern will be back to his regular, snarky self shortly
The boys head out for a beer, and Don checks in with Nikki, who is now trying to figure out who killed Jenny Bailey. It's a valid questions.
As for Don, looks like he's dressed for some Bromance.
Cal Sci: Lazlo comes in, looking for some credit, as the hemophilia discovery was the final clue they needed to solve the case. He's also hoping that Don's up for the motorcycle club, as it has "scientists, dentists, pharmacists, two accountants, one guy from the humanities," but you know what they don't have?
So, while Lazlo hopes they can get someone who has been shot and stabbed, which, let's be honest, would up any club's street cred, Charlie tries to tell his friend that Don isn't up for Bromance.
The Desert: Well, Don's looks earlier were deceiving, as Charlie's assertion that he's not a joiner, holds true. Instead of getting instructions as to how to clean his air filter, Don's clogging it up with some good desert dust.
Hey, what is that in the desert? Is it a Sasquatch? A land-locked pirate? A hippie? Hell no, it's:
Next Recap: My argument for a seventh season (besides a whiny, but I want one!), and my serious fangirling of someone's brain.