This eppesode finally cemented the need to for a special tag. See if you can spot it.
Warehouse: We begin with a deal involving Belgian goods -- which are not chocolate, nor waffles. Nope, these are much more deadly - by that I mean there are 1100 ways to kill you a minute and I'm not talking calories. Do you know what this means?
Well, actually, it's time to shoot at dirt. No, I am not making this up. The guy with the gun says "it's better than sex." Dude, if you're shooting at dirt, and you think it's better than sex, let me just assume you're doing it wrong. I mean really wrong. We're talking wrongness of the wrong here. As much as I would like to declare that line the NPAL™ and be done with it, something much more painful, and awkward, is coming.
In a classic follow the bullet shot, we trace the bullet's path a ridiculously scary distance, where it hits some poor innocent victim. Okay, so we don't see said innocent victim, but it's a pretty safe assumption.
Don's Loft: Hey, Don moved! He no longer lives in some bachelor apartment that we've seen now for the past few seasons. His new place is seriously swanky and has something most guys I know would really like in their apartments.
Okay, so I squeed. They're both just freshly out of the shower, so I can safely assume my OTP was doing something that could only be shown on HBO.
They're talking about Charlie's wedding and bachelor party and Don, in classic big brother mode, thinks taking Charlie golfing is a good idea. Yeah, trying to whoop someone's ass on the course shortly before marriage screams brotherly love, doesn't it?
Anyway, Robin's having difficulty finding clothes -- which I'm guessing Don probably doesn't think is that much of a problem. In fact, when Robin starts griping about splitting time between places, and such, Don reponds, "You could always move in here."
"I'm a little old to play house, honey," Robin replies, not realizing something really important.
So now there's that all important question, that if Don is serious about the offer, what does this all mean? Well, for me, it clearly means my OTP is on the right track, and I can stop worrying about --
THE FLIPPING PHONE? SERIOUSLY, DON, NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO ANSWER THE PHONE!
So, I posed that exact same question to people, and took some important statistics, (a phrase which here means, the people who answered the questions in the 5 minutes I paid attention) and came up with this official looking pie chart. (As I said last week, pie charts are serious business.)
Therefore, considering Don's previous issues with the phone, I must now declare that DON IS PERMANENTLY BANNED FROM THE PHONE. If you would like to reach him in the future, please call David, Colby, Liz, Nikki, Alan, Charlie, Amita, or, hell, Larry, as Don cannot be trusted to use a phone properly. (Yes, I would trust Larry more with a phone, and that says a lot.) There are studies saying this constant need to answer the phone is a major source of stress. Think of all the good this can bring for
"I swear you made it do that," Robin says, heading back up to the loft. Oh, Robin, look at you going all meta on me. It just makes me love you more.
To make it worse, the phone call wasn't even for Don. No, they want the adorkable professor. yeah, well, you know what? CHARLIE'S GOT HIS OWN PHONE.
Victim's home: The innocent victim we didn't see earlier we get to see in all his dead glory (a phrase which here means, ew). All Charlie has to do is come up with the reverse trajectory. Sounds simple, right? Of course it isn't, because Charlie lists quite a few things he would need to take into account.
Perp montage: This is a colelction of a couple of montages.
1) A brief math montage,
2) David leads a team of Feds (not Fedcakes) and they find the spot from which the bullets were fired.
3) Identifying the shooter, Arvin Lindell.
Perp's Office: Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and Liz stake out the office, only to have Arvin drive right by, taking shots at all three of them with the Belgian non-wafflemaker (technical term).
After a shot right out of a video game
Still, David (as well as Colby and Liz, but David is this show's most popular target) is put in danger, yet again. I am not amused.
Liz is all anxious to get Lindell, but Colby wants the gun. He's only allowed to have it if he's going to use the gun to shoot Lindell. At least, that would be how things wound work in my world.
I would like to point out my restraint at any Colby/gun jokes.
IHOF: Reason number 234509834 why I didn't join the FBI (reason number 1: I'm not American), having to deliver exposition to my boss, shortly after being shot at. I would rather be in the fetal position, in the corner, kthanxbai.
Colby gets to espouse on the virtues of the gun, which, as we'll find out later, shares something else with expensive chocolate, other than their country of origin. Despite this fact that we shall discuss later, the cost is still 12000 dollars. Luckily there are only 5000 of them, except they aren't exactly in the right spot. They're supposed to go to Saudi Arabia, not downtown LA.
On an even sadder note, this eppesode of Numb3rs taught me that it is possible to sell rocket launchers to kids, as long as the paperwork is in order. You know what, David? I love you and your exposition, but there are some things that I would be happier not knowing about.
The Gun Seller: All right, so I stole the title from Hugh Laurie's novel. If he has a problem, he can sue me. This would, of course, mean he knows I exist, which would be just as likely as well
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern find an oxymoron -- and honest arms dealer. When the Belgian guns didn't show up, he substituted some Swiss ones instead. He didn't make as much money, but he has a happy client. While that's probably good for strangely-named-writer's-religious-issues-let-him-show-you-them Priest, it's probably not good for say, the rest of the planet, or people in favour of breathing.
David's worn his morality suit for the interview, and proceeds to represent how I feel about people who sell guns. He's more of my BFFedcakes in every eppesode. Priet responds with the whole people kill people adage which drive me up the wall, as it's both a flawed argument and a serious pet peeve of mine.
Anyway, I'd like to sum up David's opinion in one short screencap.
Priest isn't willing to to give up the name of the person who did get the guns, as he's not a rat and is anti-dead (which is a bit funny, given his line of work) but he is willing to help. In exchange for his help, the Fedcakes get some night-vision goggles of his out of customs. Dude, just play Mafia Wars on Facebook, and you can find all the night-vision goggles you want, without issues with customs.
By the way, I don't really see what use Priest can actually be, but since the actor is sort of awesome, he can stick around.
La Maison d'Eppes: Charmita is arguing over a wedding date. There are math jokes about stable marriages and even moments of doubt about getting married at the arboretum. No matter what date they say, there's always an argument against it. Even Don has points against certain dates. By the end of this eppesode, I'm thinking they might have to resort to memes to sort things out.
Poor Amita is frustrated. I would be too, if it took 5 seasons to get the man to propose, even though we knew they were going to wind up together from the pilot, and am now looking at another fives seasons
A few important wedding facts: Amita doesn't want to be a June bride. Charlie would like to repress any argument by talking about the case, and Don clearly thinks justice of the peace is the way to go. The justice of the peace thing, now that I've seen this eppesode a few times, is a big honking piece of foreshadowing to the NPAL™, but, I have to admit that I missed it in the first viewing.
Pier /IHOF: Robin's managed to secure some "help" for the night-vision goggles, since my Mafia Wars idea was not the hit I thought it was. Nothing is written down, because writing stuff like this down would probably mean it would be read by someone -- and wind up in a blog, as governmental agencies are really the classic fail at secrecy.
That's enough for Priest as he's not exactly in the habit of writing things down either, as some of those things might make it... Well, actually, they wouldn't make it anywhere, because would you piss off a guy whose product could perforate you like Swiss cheese? I wouldn't.
And in case I needed to feel more confident about things, did you know the US is the safest place through which to ship guns? Apparently, they're more likely to make it to their final destination if shipped through Newark, Miami, or LA. While this is all fine and good, I'd like Priest to explain a another problem to me.
I think my geographical reality just got in the way of my suspension of disbelief.
As for why Lindell has one now, it's because he's one of those unscrupulous dock workers that make sure that the guns stay safe for shipping elsewhere.
Cal Sci: Now that the Fedcakes know what they're looking for, Charlie's got to help them find the two containers full of the Belgian weapons. They got to find two containers amongst the bajillion (actual number) that try to avoid all inspection areas.
In other words, he needs to find two containers that don't follow the "normal flow in terms of space and time." To explain it to Liz, he compares it to moving a piece of merchandise around a newsstand -- a very expensive and in-demand math journal -- to make sure only Charlie can find it.
Charlie, I think there's been a far better explanation already given about the flow of time, by someone much, much smarter than you. I've even covered it before.
Liz even scoffs at the idea of a popular and expensive math journal. Oh Liz, this is nothing in comparison to your awesomeness later in this eppesode, but it is definitely hee-worthy.
Anyway, all they need to do now is graph the port in four dimensions
Suddenly, we watch an obvious criminal offers his own interpretation on the crime at hand. It's Otto Bahnoff; remember him? He's the guy who I will always believe was a replacement for the unavailable Jay Baruchel's character, Oswald Kittner. All Ottobahn does is breeze into the office, look at the gun schematics, declares it bad, and leaves, all the while talking about pizza.
IHOF: How about I make you a deal? What if we just forget that this scene ever occurred. I can repress it, if you will. Denial -- it's the new black of feelings, right? Please don't make me do this.
Okay, so I will cover the important plot aspects. Robin's arranged to have Priest's and this makes David be all frowny-face. Nothing Colby says can change that.
Afterward, they all go for coffee, which Liz spikes as a joke, causing Colby to sing show tunes.
All right, so perhaps I made up the rest of the scene because my version of events would have been totally made of awesome. Come on -- Colby singing show tunes? Who wouldn't pay to see Colby do that? I'm taking suggestions for Colby to sing in my AU version of this scene or, to be honest, I was just looking for a flimsy excuse to link to this.
In all seriousness, I'm wondering if I procrastinate long enough, everyone will have forgotten what happened next, so I can skip it and move on.
Unfortunately, I think this might fall under the "really memorable" category. So, let me now recount the EPIC FAIL of Don by pointing out all the ways he manages to turn something that should have made me want to dance around the room in a fit of fangirl glee, into a moment that made me want to pound my head into the wall for several hours.
Robin wants to talk about where they stay tonight because she's got a busy day, so Don has a solution to the problem. Why pay two rents when one can get married?
Now, one would think I would be ecstatically happy. PERHAPS EVEN CAPSLOCK WOULD BE NECESSARY, but no. This is such a bungled proposal (and NPAL™ winner, perhaps supremem NPAL™ of all time) even I cannot fake a little bit of happiness. The fact he even goes on to do the whole "I thought you would be happy" as his justification for his spur of the moment proposal (not to be confused with the spontaneous, I-love-you-so-much-we-should-elope-to-Vegas proposal) reminds me of one trait the brothers Eppes share. They may be very appealing to women, but they're not very good at dealing with them.
Justifiably, Robin says no. Don does make it sound like he's doing her a favour, particularly after the humourous conversation that morning.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Before they can talk about the reasons Robin said no, Colby interrupts with news that Lindell's been found.
I guess I should be grateful it wasn't another telephone call.
I have to say, I'm pretty impressed about how rational I'm being during the discussion of this scene. I didn't overuse capslock. I didn't swear uncontrollably. Hell, I was even able to see the point about Robin's refusal, instead of not caring how they wound up together, just that they did.
Now, if I would've written my analysis immediately after watching this scene it would've read more like this:
DON *bang* WTF *bang* ARE *bang* YOU *bang* DOING? *SOB* Ow, my head hurts now.
Ihave to say, I think my pain threshhold likes this rational thing better.
Underground: In some tunnel, somewhere, Lindell was firing off some rounds, brutally massacring a watermelon, only to have happen what Ottobahn predicted. The gun went all e-splodey and killed him. He was latter found by a film crew scouting for locations.
Thus, Lindell goes down on what I'm pretty sure, is the grossest corpse ever, on this show. I'm talking grossed than the fried apostle in "Thirteen." Although, as the apostle wasn't all dead, only mostly dead, I don't think he can count. (A definition of the difference between "mostly" and "all" dead, is here.)
IHOF: Liz escorts Ottobahn to the IHOF to look a the gun. This isn't a problem, as he's got an Ethiopian restaurant in the area that he likes. Really? An Ethiopian restaurant? Would it, by chance, be an Ethiopian restaurant we've seen before? Would this be yet another flimsy attempt to find an excuse to link to something, just because I want to?
Essentially, Ottobahn explains why the gun doesn't work. Unlike Charlie, he doesn't give us an easily understandable analogy, so I decided to come up with my own.
So now there are 500 weapons about to go boom. Joy. By joy, I mean, crap.
Cal Sci: Can i jsut say that I miss Charlie's old office. Sure, this one has a few things the other didn't
Amita's arrived to apologize for her earlier bridezilla incident. Considering everything else they're trying to schedule, at least they don't have to worry about the traditional dress, or elephant angle.
Don is not interested.
All the chief Fedcake wants
Port: It's a montage of searching for the wibbly-wobbly-timey-wimey containers. They find dirt, electronics, and toys clearly shipped in to be won at cheap-ass county fairs, but no guns.
IHOF: Don's gone from not interested, to peeved. As Rosencrantz and Guildenstern head off to talk to Priest, Don's day isn't going to get any better, when Robin arrives (and Liz clears out of the way at a speed that makes me giggle. Liz is so wise). But you know what Don, you know something that isn't going to help the situation?
Instead of going over to Robin's to talk about things, he stayed home and licked his wounds. I'm glad he didn't lick his wounds in the manner he did the last time things were this rocky between Don and Robin, because I'd have to make a really dirty joke about Liz. I like Liz too much now to do that.
Don refuses to talk, and I can see his point, because he'd probably say something that would make Robin, or me, even more annoyed. All the while, Liz watches. A couple of years ago, I would've been worried, but Liz has moved well beyond Don.
In the interview room, Priest insists that he's the good type of arms dealer -- the one who will always sell you goods that will help you kill the other guy -- not yourself. He just won't rat out the guy who will sell you the bad guns. (By bad, I mean, hell, there's nowhere to go with this sentence that won't wind up with me talking in circles.)
You'd think Priest would be all over this. The guy selling the Belgian guns is giving his profession a bad name! (By bad, of course, I mean -- hell, I give up.)
Math Garage: Don's playing pool, by himself, to avoid talking about weddings. The problem is, that Alan's come out to the garage to do the same thing, yet winds up talking about the wedding. This wedding planning thing is like a virus.
And Don just doesn't want to hear it, stopping all conversation by confessing that he proposed, and Robin said no. No matter what Alan says, Don's not going to go into it any further, thus cutting off the question I'm sure Alan really wants to ask.
Neighbourhood Do Not Want To Watch: A drive-by has ended with a neighbourhood blown to bits, and a hell of a lot more casualties than intended. Top that off with the idea that if they only shoot at small groups of people, instead of say, large armies, then the guns won't explode. The only conclusion Liza can come to is that the guns are going to stay in LA, where they'll be of use.
There is nothing at all humourous in this scene. In fact, it leaves me so sad at the state of humanity, I have to go off in search of other, more life-affirming things on the internet before I can go on.
After the commercial break, things don't get any happier. The neighbours are willing to give statements, but there isn't much that can be done for the victims, and justice really isn't possible in this situation.
Charlie's feeling terrible about not finding the weapons, despite having incorrect data. Even Ottobahn can't make things any cheerier. At least he has a reasonable solution to pull us away from this pit of misery, as he needs to get to a chalkboard.
Cal Sci: In Charlie's office, Ottobahn is now playing his character more like first season Charlie and completely freaking out by doing equations on a blackboard.
Charmita try to pull Ottobahn out of his funk, which is something Amita, frankly, should have plenty of experience at doing.
Ottobahn's created the WORST CASE SCENARIO of what will happen if all 4999 of the missing guns get out into the public. Let me put it this way -- we're all dead. Did I say a reasonable solution from Otto earlier? What I meant to say is a similar worst case scenario as Charlie's worked out before.
Charlie, clearly recognizing the same OMGWTFSTOPTHEWORLDIWANTTOGETOFF, tries to reassure Otto that now that they have all the correct information, they will find the guns.
Priest's Place: Priest is not following after his namesake, as he arrives home late, having met not one, but two girls.
When he makes a crack about David not knowing how that feels, I wish David would be the one to shut the door, not Priest. Of course, by shut the door, I mean on Priest's head. Somehow, I don't think David is the threesome type,
There, dig on that little factoid to keep your mind out of the depressing issue that is this eppesode.
David rails at Priest's greed and considering my BFFedcake only wanted a nicer car to drive to work if he won the lottery, his righteous anger rings true.
But when David cuffs Priest and leads him out of the apartment, I hope to whatever higher power there is
Neighbourhood Do Not Want To Watch: And yet, in an eppesode of bad decisions, I have to say, abducting the material witness isn't the worst one made here. Right now, Don's proposal and bringing Otto to a crime scene are still winning. Besides, David does uncuff Priest one they're parked (not like that) so I guess that counts for something.
In front of the memorial of the previous night's shooting (because, as we all know, people have memorial objects instantly available for such occasions), David tries to talk Priest out of his wicked ways. I don't blame David for trying. Actually, I would probably be annoyed at David for not trying. He simply wants Priest to give up the person who has the guns, and David's modus operandi is talking people into things.
He points out the houses of the victims form the previous night, and recounts an incident at his first
Priest cuts my BFFedcake off, because David, and his persuasive tone of doom, seems to be getting to the dealer. Wow, talk about one pussy of an arms dealer. If only they weren't all this easy to talk out of selling weapons. To bring the point home even more, David drives off, leaving Priest in front of the memorial.
Recapper's note: This scene will be forever known in my brain as Liz's scene of pure spectaculawesometude, for all eternity. If I hadn't already taken to Liz (which, took me long enough, considering she was the outlet for my rage, for quite a while, I'm glad to know that she understands her place,
Liz wants to talk to Robin about Don. She does not want to talk about how Robin wwon Don back, and now they have to bitchslap each other senseless because most women in primetime behave this way, no, Liz is far, far more mature than that. She knows she was only the rebound girl and that Don has always been stuck on Robin. Oh, look at that, even Liz 'ships my OTP.
Robin gives her ridiculously endearing slightly embarrassed smile, and reminds me what I love so much about my OTP, that they get it all HORRENDOUSLY WRONG, but at least are willing to admit it.
Liz, having performed a public service by making sure the lesser stubborn of my OTP is now in the mood to actually talk (public service, a phrase which here means, me stopping pounding my head into a wall during this eppesode), she can now get back to the case. This comes in the form of Colby, who has found a viable lead, the brother of a gangbanger who was probably involved in the drive-by of DOOOM from earlier.
Thanks to the magic of television, the older brother has been brought in for questioning, all in the space of one edit, and now Don and Liz can guilt him into giving up his brother. Now, I don't mean guilt over gang involvement, it's more guilt that this little brother is going to be perforated multiple times, unless he gives up who sold him the faulty Belgian guns that, like chocolate, melt in the hand. If the gangster does that, he can call his little brother and tell him not to bet all deadified by pointing guns at the 40 armed police officers that are coming for him.
The gunseller is named Whitey, on account that he has a creepy white eyeball.
Priest's Place: Priest is trying to do something to get the guns off the street -- trying to buy them, for a reduced price, off of Whitey, aka Moses. Although, in a deal like this, Moses wants cash, not a personal cheque. I guess the credit crisis has even affected the arms industry.
IHOF: Ottobahn certainly recovers a lot faster from his trauma than season1 & 2 Charlie ever did, because he's practically bouncing like Tigger to tell Liz about how, with Charlie, they've found the guns.
Charlie translates OMGEXCITEDOTTOBAHN to "warehouse 32."
Warehouse 32: Okay, I take back what I said about Priest being a pussy. He's meeting with Moses, in the dead of night. I don't care if Rosencrantz and guildenstern are posing as his dogsbodies. Meeting with a guy who has guns that dangerous, would scare the shite out of me. Although, I have to say, I'm glad he's no longer impressed with the big-ass gun Moses's bodyguard is carrying.
Priest has the money, and he wants the guns, and isn't afraid to scoff at Moses's business practices. Priest is totally right, because all Moses wants to do is rip him off. Um, who would ever deal with this guy if all that's going to happen is instead of getting the guns, one gets dead? I don't see the business plan here.
Fortunately, the Fedcakes were all prepared for Moses's sudden but inevitable betrayal, and respond by having a sniper (no, not the enigmatically cool sniper) shoot the bodyguards. can you imagine that part on a resume "bodyguard who can't get off a shot before dying."
Anyway, the gun battle is short, and nowhere near Stephen Gyllenhaal worthy, and it ends with all the baddies being either dead, or arrested. Wow, that was tied up neatly, wasn't it?
IHOF: Moses lawyers up qucikly, despite being told the obvious fact by David and Liz.
Colby lets Priest have a few minutes to talk some sense into Moses, which, in all honestly, shouldn't work because Moses was ready to kill Priest in the previous scene -- not exactly a sign of respect.
Moses gets all uppity, saying that Priest is done in the profession, because he's a rat. So, hold on, one can stay in business, despite selling a defective product, but can't stay in business for getting rid of a dishonest businessman? Does not compute. Then again, I don't understand the need to own guns anyway, unless you're a farmer protecting livestock, so none of this makes sense to me.
Okay, I admit, in this scene, I think Priest is brilliant, as he reminds Moses, that since he's ratting out people, he'll be more than happy to tell some general (who, I assume, isn't quite so discrimiate about killing people) about a bad arms deal perpitrated by Moses. Hmm, reveal where the other 4997 guns are, or meet the general. Obvious choice there, as long as you have the smallest sense of self-preservation.
Self-Preservationville: So if just ratting someone out gets you out of the business, I have a question.
IHOF: Guildenstern is trying to tell Rosencrantz it's time to pull himself out of his maudlin mood, since all the guns have been found. The problem is that David's in the same place Charlie was with the gangsters, seasons ago, by focussing on the overall problem, instead of finding some peace is solving a portion of it. It'll be a while before he can really see the upsides.
David should be happy with another victory -- having Priest see the danger in his profession, not to himself, but to others. Although, if guns are going to be sold, it's probably better this guy do it, than say, Moses.
Math Garage: Charmita is using math to work out their wedding date problems. Amita is using combinatorics, and Charlie's using the pigeon-hole principle. Don't ask me what this means. At least the prize for the best possible date gets to choose the honeymoon location.
Alan appreciates the appropriateness of math being the determining factor in wedding date selection, because of, well, the title of this show. Okay, I'll just assume Alan is that meta, because he is so wise.
Neither date, (August 21 and July 17th, for those of you who are detail oriented) work for a couple of reasons (hip surgery and graduation, respectively) so Alan comes up with October 9th. That's just around the time of Be Kind To David Day, so we could wrap up all those celebrations into one massive party for both the Fedcakes, and the Fandom
So, Charmita will officially share an aniversary with Alan and Margaret. It's all agreed so mark the date, everyone!
Most importantly, Alan gets to pick the honeymoon destination.
Now there's just one more thing that has to get worked out.
Don's Loft: Yes, we have to get the good 'ship Don/Robin back on course
Don tries to ignore the sound of the door, but his face is just oh so adorable here, and says so much, I squeed the first time I watched this eppesode.
Robin tries to get him to talk and Don's explanation as to why he proposed, is both sweet, and insanely immature. Essentially, it sums up to "well, everyone else is doing it," or "I can't believe my little brother will take the plunge first," or "I would totally jump off the Golden Gate Bridge if everyone else did." As ridiculous as that sounds, it's not actually his reason. The real reason comes as a bit of a tag on to his initial explanation, "I was feeling it out."
Remember what happened to a previous lover? How about his relationship with Kim? Neither ended well, so no matter what was going to happen with his next proposal, it wasn't going to be a big confident gesture.
Now, Robin, because she is awesome, and understands the calibre of man she's got, puts all those fears aside. She reminds Don that he loves old movies, his chivalry (and I would just like to add, his ability to discover a love of watermelon
So, right now, "Complicated works for us,"Robin says.
So, I get left all happy and relieved that my OTP is safe, for another week.
Recapper's Annoyance: Not once, but twice, portions of this recap were eaten by a "bad request" from blogspot.